Missing Gabe

I miss Gabe. I miss him every second of every day. I miss the dream of our happy little family. I miss being naive. I always had this dream of our family. The simple typical dream. Two carseats in the back-a boy and a girl. In my dream they always had names-Gabriel and Makayla. I am so happy about being pregnant with Makayla, but I feel robbed. It is bittersweet knowing that I will be having this beautiful girl-but she will never know her special brother. It's hard to know that I have to live without my son for a lifetime. How do you tell people that you have an angel for a son, and make them understand that he still is MY SON. Just because he only lived a short life does not mean he should be forgotten. I will grieve for a lifetime. I hate the fact that this has changed me. I will never be the same person I was the day I walked into that hospital on November 18th. Everything is different now, everything is harder. I know things get easier over time. But it has been a almost a year now, and it isn't that much easier. I still wake up every morning with a heavy heart and tears in my eyes. I still go to bed every night and dream about those short 2 months that I was able to spend with Gabe. I still have an empty hole that no one will ever be able to fill. And yet, I am stronger than I ever thought I was. I still go on, although I am not sure why or how. I know part of it is for Nate, and of course now for Makayla. A lot of it is to keep Gabriel's memory alive. I don't know why that is so important, but it is. I just hope he is out there somewhere able to see how much I love him. I hope that I make him proud. I pray that one day I will see him again and show him just how much he means to me.