Another Good Doctors Appointment

I went in to see my doctor today to go over the ultrasound results and for a check. Everything went well! Makayla has been active all day. I go in for blood work in a few weeks to check for gestational diabetes and for a platelet check. Hopefully those will come back in an acceptable range, if my platelets go any lower I may have to deliver c-cection which I would really prefer to avoid. Every good appointment is helping me breath a little easier so lets hope they keep happening!

Work

Uggghhh, Well I am officially the biggest sucker around. This weekend at work really sucked. I have been trying to cut back my hours to 4 days a week but it just isn't happening and I keep being pushed into 5 days. This week I agreed to work the 5 days if I had 2 half days. Well the half days were ok, but then this weekend I ended up working 9 hours yesterday and 11 hours today so how is that really cutting back. I am sitting here swollen, sore, tired and frustrated! We were so busy these last two days-I am in the process of training 2 new employees one of who has NO cake decorating experience at all! Management looks down and sees 3 people working full days and thinks wow they should be fine. Meanwhile I am running around trying to train, fill the case, do back up cakes, clean the bakery, do ordering, work with customers and do 70 cake orders in 2 days including a wedding cake and 15 "signature" cakes (big carved cakes). Instead of getting my manager (who can cake decorate) to help me she suggests I come in on my day off and when I tell her no she says o well things always work out! Yeah they do, because I make them work out! Because I end up working 11 hours only stopping to pee. They have one of the new girls working by herself tomorrow (which she is not ready for) and I know if I leave any orders in her hands she won't be able to even attempt at handling it and probably will quit! Even as I sit her typing I am thinking about how she isn't ready for tomorrow and considering going in to help. I care too much! My biggest issue right now is knowing that this won't be the last week like this. It is going to take atleast a month or so to train our new Full Time Cake Decorator b/c she has never done anything like this before. With the holidays coming up-I just don't see how this is going to work w/o me working full weeks. I keep telling them I can't do this-I am having too many health issues right now and CANNOT be the dependable hard worker I have been, I NEED to take it easy. But they don't listen-and I know it is my fault. I let them do this to me. I do this at every job I have until I get so fed up with it I leave one day and can't get myself to go back in the next day. I don't want that to happen here, but...

OK there is my vent. Uggghhh-I need to stand up for myself.

On a much higher note-I got my pictures back from Babyangelpics.com One of them came out so beautiful-I really love it! The other didn't come out as good-I think there was just too much stuff on his face for them to remove. They had to come up with his nose and mouth and it just doesn't look right to me. But I really appreciate what they did. It is so wonderful- I would highly suggest any other angel mommies who have NICU pics to look into it! I will try to post the pictures below before and after of the good one-if not I will post them in my album.

We finally got a definite place to have Gabe's birthday celebration! We are going to be having it at a Veterans Hall in Charlestown, RI. They were so helpful and kind they gave it to us for free! Now to finish planning and sending out invitations. It is going to be a busy couple of weeks!

Quick update

First I want to say a big thanks to all of my friends and family. Everyone has been wonderful letting me know that they are there for me lately and it means the world to me. I really appreciate all the love and support.

Today we went in for our second level 2 ultrasound. We got to see Makayla moving around and saying hi. She is growing on target and everything still looks perfect. They estimate her weight at 1 lb 3 oz which is the normal range. We got another good picture of her face (which still looks like a skeleton halloween photo) and a good picture of her foot. Yep, she will have big feet just like her mommy. I still have the polyp but it doesn't look like its causing any problems so they will do another ultrasound in 4 weeks but leave it alone.

I found out about a wonderful program at babyangelpics.com that does digital retouching of NICU photos for babies that never made it home for free. They can take out all the medical tubes and equipment and any bruises or such. I sent in 2 pictures of Gabe to be done and I can't wait to get them back. I really would like to have a good picture of his face without all the tape, but the only one I have right now is after he passed, and I don't like looking at those. I should get them sometime this week or next. I will post them as soon as I get them.

Missing Gabe

I miss Gabe. I miss him every second of every day. I miss the dream of our happy little family. I miss being naive. I always had this dream of our family. The simple typical dream. Two carseats in the back-a boy and a girl. In my dream they always had names-Gabriel and Makayla. I am so happy about being pregnant with Makayla, but I feel robbed. It is bittersweet knowing that I will be having this beautiful girl-but she will never know her special brother. It's hard to know that I have to live without my son for a lifetime. How do you tell people that you have an angel for a son, and make them understand that he still is MY SON. Just because he only lived a short life does not mean he should be forgotten. I will grieve for a lifetime. I hate the fact that this has changed me. I will never be the same person I was the day I walked into that hospital on November 18th. Everything is different now, everything is harder. I know things get easier over time. But it has been a almost a year now, and it isn't that much easier. I still wake up every morning with a heavy heart and tears in my eyes. I still go to bed every night and dream about those short 2 months that I was able to spend with Gabe. I still have an empty hole that no one will ever be able to fill. And yet, I am stronger than I ever thought I was. I still go on, although I am not sure why or how. I know part of it is for Nate, and of course now for Makayla. A lot of it is to keep Gabriel's memory alive. I don't know why that is so important, but it is. I just hope he is out there somewhere able to see how much I love him. I hope that I make him proud. I pray that one day I will see him again and show him just how much he means to me.

Busy as usual

I have been keeping very busy. Today after work I decided I needed a day of nothing so I came home and slept, and of course now I am up and probably won't be able to go back to sleep. O well.

I have been selling truffles for a mini fundraiser for Cherubs, and it has done a whole lot better than I ever expected. I estimate that I have already sold over 170 boxes and continue to get requests and orders. So in between working and other stuff you can find me in my mini kitchen playing with chocolate, which ends up covering the kitchen by the time I am done. My family have been so supportive when it comes to my crazy ideas, they have been selling truffles faster than I can make them! I may be the crazy one putting all this stuff together, but I couldn't do it without all the help I have gotten.

Work has been interesting. The bakery didn't do to well while I was on my 3 days off last week-grrrr- and I agreed to work 5 days for the next two weeks while they work on getting more help. We did hire another cake decorator (FINALLY), but she still needs to be trained, and I am praying she lasts longer than the last two they hired. I think the record would be 3 days. I had recently had a talk with my human resources rep (who I adore), about Gabriel and Cherubs. She knew I had a son who didn't make it, but didn't know any of the details. After we talked for awhile she told me about a program they do next asking employees to donate to a charity weekly out of their paycheck. She suggested I put Cherubs on the list and see what happens. She told me my story touched her so she will personally be promoting Cherubs for people who don't already have a charity in mind. Today she came and asked to speak with me. She convinced Big Y to agree on doing a Big Y sponsored raffle next month for the employees where all the money will also be donated to Cherubs. They are going to put a basket together with a bunch of different things and see what they can get for it. I thought it was so sweet of her to go above and beyond what I would have ever expected. Some people truly amaze me with their kindness.

The rest of my time I have spent trying to plan Gabe's first birthday. We know we want to have a get together with friends and family, but we have to find a place to have it. Hopefully I can get all that figured out this week.

So much to do so little time