Mothers Day

Well, Mothers Day was an awful day for me but not for the reasons I would have thought. I was sick the entire day and slept most of it away.

As far as the rest of it went it was really the days leading up to it that were the hardest. At work I decorate cakes, and Mother's Day is a busy holiday for cake orders. It was a constant reminder of the day that I couldn't celebrate...at least not the way I wanted to. I also got the question 'are you a mother?' quite a few times over the course of the week. I really and truly hate that question right now. Am I a mother????? Well I don't feel like a mother. But I did have a child and to say no to that question I feel is denying the fact that Gabriel was born. So I tell people yes and I prayed that they would simply wish me a Happy Mothers Day and leave. Some would want to know more, or would simply elaborate on what I should do for Mothers Day. It sucks that these nice gestures that some people are trying to make, make me want to cry and scream. I am a mommy to an angel, the most difficult type of child to be a mommy to.

Gabe's stone was finally put in the first week of May. It is really beautiful, with a picture of a boy and a teddy bear. I didn't even remember what it was going to look like until I saw it. I think I was in such a daze in the weeks that followed Gabe's death, everything is still a blur. I do remember looking at some of the designs and feeling that they weren't right. I wanted something that represented his short time here on earth. He never got to play baseball or play with trucks, but the one thing he did have with him the entire time was a stuffed animal we call dogbear. Kinda looks like a dog and a bear at the same time and he sat on the bed next to Gabriel his whole life. Now dogbear is one of the few things I have to remember Gabe by. I treasure it so much, as it has been a great comfort to me when I need something physical to hold and think of Gabe. When I saw Gabe's stone I saw the bear and thought how perfect it was. I don't think I even realized it when we were picking it out, but it was the perfect design. So there it is the stone is in and it all seems very final. Everything feels like it is moving forward very fast and I still feel lost.