Mothers Day Approaching

As Mothers Day approaches I think about how my life would be different if my baby was still here. My apartment feels empty, missing something, even though he never came home. All the dreams I had with the nursery and all of his "firsts" taking place here. It feels so empty and quiet, all of his stuff still in place, still waiting to be used. The door to the nursery always closed, just a plain door, but still a constant reminder of whats behind it and all the of the dreams that were shattered. I'm not quite sure how Mothers Day is going to affect me this year. I'm not sure if it's going to be hard or if I will hardly notice it's going by... I don't really feel like a mother... I guess we will find out.

I have found that I have the need to immerse myself into things were I can think and talk about Gabe. For awhile it was this website. I have added so many things to it, and really enjoyed doing so. I really want to keep his memory alive and I love honoring him with this site.
Unfortunately, there was only so much I could add. I think I have just about finished it and I found myself very upset at that fact. This was a such a positive outlet for me...I didn't want to be finished with it, ever. This week I have joined two groups dealing with CDH; Cherubs and Breath of Hope. I had visited there websites many times and figured I would join and see what it was all about. They both are excellent sources of information and support. I have met so may wonderful people who have been affected by CDH. They have really wonderful networks of support. I also have volunteered with Cherubs to see if I can help in some way, either in research, fund raising, and advocacy; or to help giving support to other families so they can also obtain the information and support they need. Hopefully I will hear back soon, and can start that.

One of the things I have found is that it is best to keep busy. I feel like I am barely dodging going crazy from this experience, but if I can just keep busy and find outlets that allow me to stay positive while grieving for my son, I might be able to keep afloat. I feel like if I could help others and possibly help in the fight to find better treatments for CDH babies, help other babies, than Gabriel's life would mean that much more. I want to make my son proud, show him I am a strong person like he was for me.

Gabriel...I miss you so much!