Baby Rat...yes I said rat

Ok, I am going to start out by saying that as you read this you may think I'm crazy, but thats OK, I have accepted that most of my friends and family do. I am an animal lover. I have three cats, a rabbit, and three rats who are my babies. I know, most people freak out over the rat thing, but they are wonderful animals no matter what anyone says. Anyway, my animals have really been a huge comfort to me in the last few months. They are always there, willing to listen, and they give you unconditional love.
Since I am the crazy animal lover, when ever a friend or a friend of a friend finds a sick or injured animal I am always the first person they call, I can't say no. On sunday I got a call from a close friend saying that her friend found a baby rat in a parking lot and wanted to know if I will take care of it. Of course I end up taking it and bringing it home. The rat was probably only about a week old, barely had fur and hadn't even opened its eyes yet. So I start by contacting rat breeders (yes the do exist, rats are becoming popular pets) and find out exactly what I need to do for it. I buy the special soy baby formula, feed it every 3 hours, keep it warm, everything I am supposed to do. It looked like it was doing good the last couple of days and like always I started to fall in love with it. This morning when we went to feed it, it looked really sick and ended up dying in my hands. I KNEW it would probably die when I got it, it was soooo young and was probably sick. I have had sick animals die on me before. There is always a good chance they will end up dying, there is only so much you can do. You know and accept that when you take in sick animals. But this has hit me hard today. It is bringing up all sorts of horrible feelings and emotions. All of a sudden I feel like everything I touch is going to die. I think with having to feed it and take care of it like a baby, and wanting to be a mom sooo bad, I kinda unconciously became its mom and now that its died I cant seem to handle it. I know that sounds completely insane, but thats how I feel right now...completely nuts! I feel like I just lost my baby all over again. I think I am going crazy.

Well thats about it. I just needed to vent for a bit. I thought I was doing so good with the grieving thing, this has just knocked me down when I wasn't looking. It feels like it will never end. I miss my son!

Mothers Day

Well, Mothers Day was an awful day for me but not for the reasons I would have thought. I was sick the entire day and slept most of it away.

As far as the rest of it went it was really the days leading up to it that were the hardest. At work I decorate cakes, and Mother's Day is a busy holiday for cake orders. It was a constant reminder of the day that I couldn't celebrate...at least not the way I wanted to. I also got the question 'are you a mother?' quite a few times over the course of the week. I really and truly hate that question right now. Am I a mother????? Well I don't feel like a mother. But I did have a child and to say no to that question I feel is denying the fact that Gabriel was born. So I tell people yes and I prayed that they would simply wish me a Happy Mothers Day and leave. Some would want to know more, or would simply elaborate on what I should do for Mothers Day. It sucks that these nice gestures that some people are trying to make, make me want to cry and scream. I am a mommy to an angel, the most difficult type of child to be a mommy to.

Gabe's stone was finally put in the first week of May. It is really beautiful, with a picture of a boy and a teddy bear. I didn't even remember what it was going to look like until I saw it. I think I was in such a daze in the weeks that followed Gabe's death, everything is still a blur. I do remember looking at some of the designs and feeling that they weren't right. I wanted something that represented his short time here on earth. He never got to play baseball or play with trucks, but the one thing he did have with him the entire time was a stuffed animal we call dogbear. Kinda looks like a dog and a bear at the same time and he sat on the bed next to Gabriel his whole life. Now dogbear is one of the few things I have to remember Gabe by. I treasure it so much, as it has been a great comfort to me when I need something physical to hold and think of Gabe. When I saw Gabe's stone I saw the bear and thought how perfect it was. I don't think I even realized it when we were picking it out, but it was the perfect design. So there it is the stone is in and it all seems very final. Everything feels like it is moving forward very fast and I still feel lost.

Mothers Day Approaching

As Mothers Day approaches I think about how my life would be different if my baby was still here. My apartment feels empty, missing something, even though he never came home. All the dreams I had with the nursery and all of his "firsts" taking place here. It feels so empty and quiet, all of his stuff still in place, still waiting to be used. The door to the nursery always closed, just a plain door, but still a constant reminder of whats behind it and all the of the dreams that were shattered. I'm not quite sure how Mothers Day is going to affect me this year. I'm not sure if it's going to be hard or if I will hardly notice it's going by... I don't really feel like a mother... I guess we will find out.

I have found that I have the need to immerse myself into things were I can think and talk about Gabe. For awhile it was this website. I have added so many things to it, and really enjoyed doing so. I really want to keep his memory alive and I love honoring him with this site.
Unfortunately, there was only so much I could add. I think I have just about finished it and I found myself very upset at that fact. This was a such a positive outlet for me...I didn't want to be finished with it, ever. This week I have joined two groups dealing with CDH; Cherubs and Breath of Hope. I had visited there websites many times and figured I would join and see what it was all about. They both are excellent sources of information and support. I have met so may wonderful people who have been affected by CDH. They have really wonderful networks of support. I also have volunteered with Cherubs to see if I can help in some way, either in research, fund raising, and advocacy; or to help giving support to other families so they can also obtain the information and support they need. Hopefully I will hear back soon, and can start that.

One of the things I have found is that it is best to keep busy. I feel like I am barely dodging going crazy from this experience, but if I can just keep busy and find outlets that allow me to stay positive while grieving for my son, I might be able to keep afloat. I feel like if I could help others and possibly help in the fight to find better treatments for CDH babies, help other babies, than Gabriel's life would mean that much more. I want to make my son proud, show him I am a strong person like he was for me.

Gabriel...I miss you so much!