Busy summer, almost over

This summer so far has been so busy! Looking back at the last time I wrote here, so much has gone on since.

We had Makayla baptized a few weeks ago. The baptism went well, Makayla was great! She looked like a doll all dressed up in her gown and bonnet. We had a lot more people show up to the after party than we expected, but it was great! It was so nice to have most of our family and a few friends there to celebrate with us. It was a beautiful (although a little hot) day.

We went to Raleigh, North Carolina for the CHERUBS conference-which was amazing! I really enjoyed meeting and spending time with some of the members I have been talking to the last 1 1/2 years. The whole weekend was great. The Angel Ball was beautiful-so romantic, the conference was very informative with some truly amazing speakers, the rest of the time we spent getting to know everyone and having fun. I don't think I have had that much fun in a long time.

Nate and I celebrated our 4 year wedding anniversary July 31st. We actually didn't do much the day of since it was a work day for Nate, but we celebrated early with another couple, Jay and Brianna, and had a great time. They cooked us dinner and we went out to a late night comedy show. It was great to have a night away from baby-although I couldn't stop thinking about her the entire time

This summer has been a whirlwind and I can't believe it's almost over! I haven't even made it to the beach once this year or gone camping with Nate like we had hoped. Makayla is almost 6 months old...I sure wish time would slow down!

So much to do, so little time

I haven't written in a bit, not for lack of things to write, but lack of time. We have been keeping busy. This month we have traveled to PA for a CHERUBS camping trip, went to Cape Cod for Fathers Day with Nate's family, and visited Boston to meet up with some local CHERUBS members for a zoo trip. Life has been busy, but good.

Makayla is doing great! At her last appointment she measured in at 26 1/4" tall and 14 lbs 12 oz! She is in the 98th percentile in height. She continues to amaze us everyday. There is nothing better in life than walking into her nursery first thing in the morning and seeing her break out into a giant toothless smile as she grabs her feet and babbles. Today we went out and got her a jumper entertainment station-which she loves! It is so cute to watch her excitement at all the new toys.

We have a date set for her baptism. It will be the second sunday in July, so we have yet another event to plan! I look forward to it!

I have been thinking about getting another tattoo for my birthday and think I have decided on what I am getting! I want to get Ayla's footprints above Gabe's on my leg, and underneath Gabe's footprints around my ankle I am going to get an "anklet" type tattoo which will come out onto my foot and have an awareness ribbon on the end. I know most people think I'm nuts with my tattoos, but I think this will be the perfect way to finish off under Gabe's feet.

Well, there is so much more going on right now, but I don't have the time to type it all. Hopefully I will be able to update again soon!

Quick Update

It's been a little while since I've updated here. Life has been hectic but I am trying to enjoy the little moments.

Work is going well. It's hard getting up so early, but I love being out before the day really gets started. Being home with Makayla during the day is so rewarding.

Makayla is doing great. We continue to see improvement in her arm. She has started to hold things and is even starting to be able to put her binky back in her mouth on occasion She smiles constantly and can brighten my day in an instant with that beautiful toothless grin of hers. We have our daily "talks" as she is becoming more animated every day. She coos and mumbles and I think I have even heard a laugh or two! I love to watch her as her personality emerges.

My MIL and I have started a new project with CHERUBS. Gabriel's Gift is a project we have started to provide new and expectant parents of CDH babies with a tote bag filled with things they may need in the NICU. We are working very hard to get donations to put these together and hope to be able to start sending some out by the end of the summer. For more information on Gabriel's Gifts check out Gabe's website at: http://www.gabriel-nava.virtual-memorials.com/main.php?action=view&mem_id=8297&page_no=6

Happy Mothers Day

Well, today was definitely an easier day to go through than it was last year. Makayla being here makes me feel like a mom, finally. The day was still very bittersweet, not having both my children here with me makes me feel empty and reminds me that I have a huge piece missing. But Makayla reminds me of how much I have to be thankful for. I am thankful to have her to give all my love and attention, and I am also so thankful to have had my time with Gabe too. I love being a mother. It gives meaning to my life. I hope both my angels know how much I love them.

Nate made me such a sweet, beautiful card! I couldn't believe how cute and caring he was. It has pictures of *all* my babies in it-animals included It reminded me of how lucky I am to have such a wonderful guy!

I also got my mothers day present in the mail! I ordered a pair of "dog tag" pendants with copies of Makayla and Gabe's feet on one side and their names, bdates, times, and weights engraved on the back. Now they can both stay next to my heart always

Hoping everyone had a wonderful Mothers Day!

Life Marches On

Things are going well. We are starting to settle into a schedule and work is going smoothly so far. Makayla has started sleeping through the night! We put her in her crib last night for the first time, which I think was more difficult on me than it was on her. I am so used to having her sleep in the cradle next to me... I hated not being able to just reach over to check on her. I'm sure I will get used to it, but right now even though she is only in the next room over I feel like she is a world away. I never thought I would be one of those "paranoid, crazy" moms, but life has changed me this last year and a half.

Makayla's physical therapy is also going very well. Her arm is improving drastically and its so nice to see her moving it around and reaching for things with it. She still has a long way to go, but her progress so far is amazing!

This summer is getting booked very quickly. We have so many plans for June and July I can't wait! I am going on 3 CHERUBS events: a camping trip in PA, a zoo trip in Boston, and the CHERUBS conference weekend in NC! I am so excited to meet the people that I have been talking to over this last year! We also plan on getting Makayla baptized in July! So many things to do and plan, this summer is going to be a great one!

Back to work

This week has been a busy one. I started back to work part time. Its nice to get out of the house a bit, but its tough getting on a new schedule. I will be working early mornings so that I can be back in time for Nate to go in to work. Not happy about having to get up at 3 am, but at least I am out before the day even begins.

We went to see some family this week which was nice. Makayla got to meet more of her relatives and luckily it was a warm beautiful day so we were able to enjoy the time outdoors! I can't wait to be able to do that more often!

55 Days-Grief lasts a lifetime

Most of the time I feel like I am dealing with everything so well. And then every once in a while it all comes flooding back and I feel like I am right there on the brink of that dark void again. I guess sometimes I forget that I am still grieving, and I need to let myself do it before it feels like this. Those stages of grief I read about-I figured once they were over they would be over, but its so not true. They just seem revolving-in no specific pattern or order-just this time around they are a little less intense.

What am I babbling about? Well, right now I just feel like I am getting sucked down a bit and I need to vent to let some of it out. These last few days I have started feeling everything again with some intensity. The nightmares have returned, I wake up crying. I have been crying at the most random times during the day, and there is nothing I can do about it. I am angry and hurt and lost and I feel such guilt all over again. I finally think I figured out where it is all coming from:

55 days... thats how long I got to spend with my beautiful, perfect, little boy. 55 days-thats it. I know its more than a lot of people, but I feel ripped off. I should have spent the rest of my life with him. 55 days and the whole time I was wishing it to go by faster b/c I truly thought I would bring him home, so instead of treasuring every little moment I prayed for it to be over. Now I have this beautiful baby girl-who is my world- and who is already hitting those little milestones that Gabe never really reached, and on April 10th she will be 55 days old. It just reminds me how little time I really spent with my boy. I sit and I hold her and I cry...I cry for my son who never really got to live, I cry for my husband who was never able to watch that Patriots game with his boy the way he wanted to, I cry for my daughter who will never meet her brother, and I cry for myself b/c I want him back sooo bad.

Than there is the anger. I am so angry at everything again. I don't understand why he couldn't be a survivor. I try to tell myself its so I could help others, but I could have helped others with him here to. He was supposed to be my miracle baby, I was ready to devote my life to him. There is so many of the what ifs left in my head. And with those what ifs comes the guilt. What if I hadn't worked as hard in the beginning of the pregnancy, what if I didn't have that drink, what if those selfish a******* hadn't robbed me and put the gun to my head-I still have nightmares about that and then I dealt with all that post-stress and anxiety during the pregnancy, what if I had miscarried instead of praying for him to hold on. I lied-I told him that if he just held on inside of me that everything would be ok, and I would take care of him. What if I had insisted on another ultrasound when I felt that things weren't right... what if I had done more research and had asked to be transfered to Childrens Boston-would he have received better treatments? What if I hadn't decided to let him go...would there have been a miracle? Was it the right thing to do? I feel like I was so niave to everything, I don't know if it was the right thing or if it was what I felt the nurses felt I should do. I feel like I didn't give him a chance to even fight it b/c he was on a paralytic at the time. Maybe he could have rebounded... maybe. I try and remind myself that it was a decision I KNEW was right at the time. I felt it as soon as I walked in his room that night. I KNEW we had tried everything we could and he was telling me he couldn't fight any longer. I know all that-but I still feel guilt. I wish I would have waited until morning and then asked his surgeon-the one I trusted-the one who was willing to fight for Gabe and try everything in his power. He told me that I had made the right decision the next morning...but I just don't know. Why should a mother ever be forced to make that decision. 55 days was not long enough! I think one of the worst parts of all this is that I had a shaky faith going into this pregnancy, and now its even worse. I feel like god may have been punishing me for not fully believing, and sometime I feel like there is no god at all. I have prayed and prayed for something to restore my faith, for a sign that there is a heaven and my boy is in it. To know, really know and not just say b/c it will make me feel better, that I will one day see my son again would make all the difference in the world-and yet I can't seem to get to that point. I am begging and pleading with God to help me know that.

So there it is-all of it. All of my weaknesses, fears, and guilt... for anyone to see. I don't know if this makes me weak...I feel kind of naked laying it all out there. I wish it would all go away.