A year ago today... some times it feels like it was a life time ago, other days it feels like it was yesterday. My last day with Gabe, even though tomorrow will be the anniversary of his angel day, today was really the last day. I have re-lived the day a thousand times in my dreams-of course that day was more like a nightmare. We were clutching on the smallest bit of hope we had left, feeling the desperation of it all slipping away. Slowly accepting the final reality of it all, and what we had to do. Praying to god to make it all better, unanswered prayers. I know I should just trust that what happened was for a reason, but it is so hard to believe that any child, especially my child, would die for a reason. Maybe I am selfish, but I needed him here with me, I still need him.
No one should have to go through what we went through. No one should have to make that call with their child. Even though we know we did the right thing, the only thing left to do, I am crushed with guilt everyday. Maybe because at the time a part of me felt relief at making the decision, having it all over with, no more unknowns. I just wanted it all to be over with, I didn't want to watch my baby suffer anymore.
So a year has passed. A whole long year. They told me the first year was the hardest, so I am hoping things start to get easier. I have come to a lot of realizations and learned a lot about grief, but it still doesn't make it any better.
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