36 Week Ultrasound

I went in for my last ultrasound on Thursday and everything checked out perfect. She was very active and I got to see her moving around, sucking her thumb, biting her lip, even blinking! It was the most amazing ultrasound, I could see everything and she really looked like a baby! She has some beautiful chubby cheeks Smile They showed me her diaphragm and all of organs doing what they should. You could even see her lungs practicing breathing. After all the measurements they estimated her weight at 7 lbs 7 oz-yikes! She is going to be one chubby baby! I am hoping that I go into labor soon so I don't push out a 9 lb baby Smile She is ready and cleared for delivery anytime after this week-so I am hoping she decides to make her arrival soon.

Getting Nervous

Today I am 35 weeks 4 days pregnant, and I think it is finally starting to catch up with me. People keep asking me "are you getting excited yet?". The weird thing is I'm not... I'm scared to death. I just want to skip the next few weeks and have a baby in my arms. I am still putting off preparing for her arrival, I'm not sure why. The nursery still sits as it has this last year-a mess. I still haven't packed my bags or found a pediatrician. I feel like this makes me a bad mom-almost like I am still preparing for the worst. It is so hard to get excited-it's all fear.

I feel her move around a lot-and it makes me so happy. She is getting so big, I treasure every kick and move. I have heard that it can be difficult to bond with your unborn baby after a loss, but thats not the case. I love Makayla more than anything. I can tell she already has personality, I know she is going to be beautiful.

Well, I have my last level 2 ultrasound on Thursday. One more final check and peek at her before she makes her big arrival. We are truly in the homestretch-almost there.

Our Last Day With Gabe

A year ago today... some times it feels like it was a life time ago, other days it feels like it was yesterday. My last day with Gabe, even though tomorrow will be the anniversary of his angel day, today was really the last day. I have re-lived the day a thousand times in my dreams-of course that day was more like a nightmare. We were clutching on the smallest bit of hope we had left, feeling the desperation of it all slipping away. Slowly accepting the final reality of it all, and what we had to do. Praying to god to make it all better, unanswered prayers. I know I should just trust that what happened was for a reason, but it is so hard to believe that any child, especially my child, would die for a reason. Maybe I am selfish, but I needed him here with me, I still need him.

No one should have to go through what we went through. No one should have to make that call with their child. Even though we know we did the right thing, the only thing left to do, I am crushed with guilt everyday. Maybe because at the time a part of me felt relief at making the decision, having it all over with, no more unknowns. I just wanted it all to be over with, I didn't want to watch my baby suffer anymore.

So a year has passed. A whole long year. They told me the first year was the hardest, so I am hoping things start to get easier. I have come to a lot of realizations and learned a lot about grief, but it still doesn't make it any better.

Happy New Years

Happy New Years! Well another year has passed, and I can't believe how quickly it went by. It was definitely a hard year, and I have so many hopes that 2008 will be better.

We decided to have a quiet New Years, and stayed home. It seems I have been re-living a lot of memories from last year at this time and New Years has been the worst. Last year it had also been filled with so much hope... I remember repeating over and over, well it has to be better than 2006-things are going to get better. I had no idea how wrong I was. Gabe was looking so much better on New Years than he ever had, Nate held him for the first time, we got his foot prints for the first time. It had been such an amazing and special day-I just want that day back again. Uggghhh... unfortunately I can't have that day back, and I know I must move forward. It just seems like moving forward is leaving Gabe behind.

I am determined to make 2008 a positive year. I have many goals for this year:

1. Bring home a happy and HEALTHY baby girl to spoil
2. Clean and organize my apartment... and keep it cleaned and organized
3. Get back into a healthy weight range after Makayla is born
4. Start the process to buy a house
5. Start moving forward towards getting a business plan done and seriously looking into starting it
6. Continue to keep Gabe's memory alive and honor him by continuing my work for CHERUBS