4am

Well it is 4 am and I have 2 1/2 more hours that I could be sleeping, but nope I am "wide awake". Grrrr, this is what makes the third trimester so difficult-and I am barely in it! I have a very active baby kicking like crazy inside of me, my leg won't stop cramping, I can't get comfortable, my back aches, and I am having the strangest dreams! So here I am in the wee hours of the morning trying to stay busy. Well, I guess its my bodies way of getting me ready for the sleepless nights to come when Makayla makes her big arrival. Oh, I can't wait. I know I really shouldn't be complaining, I would give up far more for my baby, but Nate is snoring away fast asleep.

We are trying to reorganize our apartment to have room for all the baby stuff we had stashed away-what a project this has turned into. I want to have the house all ready soon, but there is so much still to do. The nursery is a wreck since we shut it off after Gabe passed. The only time I have been in it since has been to throw some boxes in for storage. We have to completely take apart everything, clean it, and put it all back together. We finally opened up the door, and have been keeping it open, which I guess is the first step, but every time I look in there I start thinking.... When we got this apartment that wasn't "the nursery" it was "Gabe's Room"! Everything in it was put there while thinking about Gabe. It's hard to think that it's not Gabe's Room anymore. I just feel so weird about it all. I almost feel like setting it up for Makayla would be betraying Gabe. I know thats crazy, but it's a feeling I can't shake. I had really hoped to move into a new place before she came so we could start fresh, but unfortunately that isn't an option and we had to sign another years lease. I know I am going to have to get over all this and just go in there and do it... but I just don't know how.

I QUIT

Thanksgiving came and went, it was a "good" day but was very difficult thinking about how Gabe was missing from everything. We went to dinner at Nate's parents house and went to the cemetery to visit Gabe. I haven't been their in months-it's just too hard sometimes to stare at his stone. It just makes it all so final. These holidays are not easy-just trying to make it through these next few months.

Work has been pretty stressful. I ended up going in after Gabe's birthday party and doing an overnight, even though I had originally told them I needed that time off. I worked 3 overnights leading up to Thanksgiving to make sure all the desserts were done. The day after Thanksgiving I went in to prepare for the weekend to find out that my manager had gone on vacation and not scheduled anyone for Saturday-my day off. I ended up working 11 hours on friday and they still wanted me to come in today. We are very shorthanded and all the pressure is on me to get everything done. I had demoted myself months ago so that I would not have to deal with all the stress, but instead I am being paid less but expected to do the same amount of work. I decided I couldn't do it anymore and put in my 2 weeks notice yesterday. Ugghh, I had really counted on not going on maternity leave for another 2 months since we can't afford to have only Nate working right now, but I'm sure I will figure something out. I know I need to put my health and Makayla first right now, and being on my feet for all these hours, doing the work of 3 people is wearing me out. Hopefully I can find something to do to bring in some extra income for awhile until I can figure out something more permanent. Well, I guess now I will have a lot more time to clean my house.

Makayla Ultrasound

We went in yesterday for yet another level 2 ultrasound, and again everything looked great! She was very active during the whole thing and decided to give us quite a few wonderful pics. Again, they pointed out her long feet and super long toes .No big surprise there, Gabe had long feet and toes, and so do their mommy and daddy! We got a great shot of her diaphragm, and all her organs working properly and in their place. We watched her practice swallowing and she played with her face and stuck her tongue out at us. We even got a really good shot of her sucking her thumb. It was so wonderful seeing her a little more clearly! She weighs in at about 2 lbs 2 oz which is perfect for her age right now.

So another month has passed and another good ultrasound! I can't wait for the next one.

Gabe's Party

Yesterday was a really "good" day. We had his memorial party with friends and family and the turnout was amazing. We put everyone to work assembling Information Packets for CHERUBS and we were able to put together over 400! I can't wait to start getting them out to hospitals where they can help families! We also had a kids table where they drew pictures of Angels for the holiday cards and we got some really beautiful drawings! Everyone really got into the activities and it was a very upbeat get together. A big thanks to everyone who came and all that helped out! I am so happy that we were able to have such a positive day to remember my little angel!

Happy Birthday Gabe

Happy Birthday to my beautiful angel. I can't believe it has been a year. One year ago right now we were heading out the door on our way to the hospital. Full of excitement and anticipation...no idea of the road that lay ahead. I miss you Gabe, I wish you were here to celebrate your first birthday with us.

Mass General Memorial Service

Yesterday was a very emotional but good day. We went up to Mass General Hospital to their Annual Pediatric Memorial Service which was beautifully done. Some of the staff from the NICU attended, and it was nice to see them again. They really became an extension of our family during our stay there, and I will never be able to express how much I appreciate all they did. Being back at the hospital brought back so many overwhelming emotions, but I was very glad we went. I plan on going back up after Gabe's birthday to bring information packets on CHERUBS. I talked with them a little on it and they seemed very excited to learn more. I believe there are so many parents who could benefit from this group, I can't wait to start getting these packets out there.