Heartbeat!

They found the babies heartbeat!!! Which is the best news we have gotten in a long time. They couldn't find it with the doppler, which was normal since I was only 9 weeks along, but they did another ultrasound and the baby was very visible this time. We found the baby and the hearbeat immediately which was such a relief. I have been carrying around the ultrasound picture with me ever since. I can't believe I'm really pregnant. I am about 10 1/2 weeks along now and am just starting to get the baby bump.

This pregnancy has brought up a whole mixture of emotions. I don't even know where to begin. Overall I am very excited and happy, but it is laced with fear and guilt. I am afraid of so many things going wrong, but I am also afraid of having a hard time with being happy once this baby is born. I know I am not trying to, nor could I ever, replace Gabe...But yet I still feel a little guilty. I guess it is just that I feel guilty for moving on without him. I really wish I had my little boy now more than ever. I know I will never stop missing him. I just keep telling myself that this is not to replace Gabe, it is an earth sibling for Gabe to have and keep an eye on. Nothing now comes easy.

I go back to the doctors on August 16th for a check up. September will be a busy month with doctor visits. They will be giving me my first level 2 ultrasound to make sure everything is developing properly, and sending me to Yale for a high risk consult to evaluate my risk factors. Keep sending your prayers my way for my growing peanut.

Positive Prego

This has been quite a busy month for me. So much has happened recently, I have no idea where to start.

Work has been crazy, and I have been promoted to the full time cake decorator position, which basically means a whole lot more work and responsibility for not a whole lot more money. But that's OK I need to stay busy.

On with the more important news...Nate and I started trying for another baby. After many discussions (we were going to wait a little while longer), and some hard emotions still to sort through we decided that we would never feel fully ready for another baby. That being said, we still have empty arms to fill and the need for a baby here on earth to help complete our family grows stronger everyday. Our solution was to just dive right into it again and get pregnant. Just like with Gabe, it didn't take long and after the first try I got a positive pregnancy test! We were so excited! Scared, but very happy. I finally started to feel some happiness in life again. We had decided to wait to tell everyone until after my first doctors appointment which was on July 19th, when I would be about 9 weeks along. At work 2 mondays ago, I started bleeding. I met Nate at the doctors and they did an exam and an ultrasound. Afterwards we got the devastating news that my doctor could not find the baby in the gestational sac and he believed I was miscarrying, but wanted to get some blood work done to make sure. That week was awful, it was the week of the 4th and I had to wait for my test results until friday. But from talking with my doctor I was convinced that I was having a miscarriage and started to try and accept that. Friday morning I got the call from my doctor telling me that he had good and bad news. The good news is I appear to be still pregnant from my HCG hormone levels which rose dramatically over the two days and looked good and normal. The bad news is I have low progesterone, which can be a sign that a miscarriage is going to happen. He gave me progesterone pills to take twice a day but also told me that studies are inconclusive to whether or not the pills would help. There is not enough information on pregnancy and progesterone so they are not sure whether sometimes miscarriages are caused by low progesterone, or low progesterone is a product of a an inevitable loss. So, I am taking the pills religiously and hoping for the best. I go in to see my doctor again this Thursday, for another ultrasound in hopes that this time he will be able to see a baby and a heart beat. It is possible that the baby was small enough to hide itself in the last ultrasound, but this time it should be big enough where it cannot hide. At least then we will have a better idea of whats going on as far as if its even possible for me to carry this pregnancy to full term. So keep your prayers coming that everything turns out OK, I don't know how much loss and heartache I can take.

Waiting to know one way or another is the hardest thing. But life has a way of keeping me busy and my mind occupied for the most part. I had been taking care of a pregnant stray that found its way to my door, who decided to have her kittens on my bed while I was laying on it the night of the 3rd. She has 5 of the cutest kittens and they keep me entertained and happy when I need it. The mother cat is doing well, and doesn't mind us being around the kittens, she actually seems to prefer it. Im not looking forward to giving them away as I am becoming attached to them which I know is not a good thing. But I think if I tried to keep them I would officially become the crazy cat lady which I don't want :)

It has been over 6 months since we lost Gabe, and everything is still very raw. The 6 month mark was difficult as there is a part of me that definitely does not want to move on with life. It seems the longer time that passes the harder the realization that I have to go on for the rest of my life without him. It makes the future very hard to think about. I know that doesn't make a lot of sense, but neither does this life sometimes. But as someone told me recently I just have to Get Up! Get Dressed! Get Going! and I guess the rest will fall into place eventually.