36 Week Ultrasound

I went in for my last ultrasound on Thursday and everything checked out perfect. She was very active and I got to see her moving around, sucking her thumb, biting her lip, even blinking! It was the most amazing ultrasound, I could see everything and she really looked like a baby! She has some beautiful chubby cheeks Smile They showed me her diaphragm and all of organs doing what they should. You could even see her lungs practicing breathing. After all the measurements they estimated her weight at 7 lbs 7 oz-yikes! She is going to be one chubby baby! I am hoping that I go into labor soon so I don't push out a 9 lb baby Smile She is ready and cleared for delivery anytime after this week-so I am hoping she decides to make her arrival soon.

Getting Nervous

Today I am 35 weeks 4 days pregnant, and I think it is finally starting to catch up with me. People keep asking me "are you getting excited yet?". The weird thing is I'm not... I'm scared to death. I just want to skip the next few weeks and have a baby in my arms. I am still putting off preparing for her arrival, I'm not sure why. The nursery still sits as it has this last year-a mess. I still haven't packed my bags or found a pediatrician. I feel like this makes me a bad mom-almost like I am still preparing for the worst. It is so hard to get excited-it's all fear.

I feel her move around a lot-and it makes me so happy. She is getting so big, I treasure every kick and move. I have heard that it can be difficult to bond with your unborn baby after a loss, but thats not the case. I love Makayla more than anything. I can tell she already has personality, I know she is going to be beautiful.

Well, I have my last level 2 ultrasound on Thursday. One more final check and peek at her before she makes her big arrival. We are truly in the homestretch-almost there.

Our Last Day With Gabe

A year ago today... some times it feels like it was a life time ago, other days it feels like it was yesterday. My last day with Gabe, even though tomorrow will be the anniversary of his angel day, today was really the last day. I have re-lived the day a thousand times in my dreams-of course that day was more like a nightmare. We were clutching on the smallest bit of hope we had left, feeling the desperation of it all slipping away. Slowly accepting the final reality of it all, and what we had to do. Praying to god to make it all better, unanswered prayers. I know I should just trust that what happened was for a reason, but it is so hard to believe that any child, especially my child, would die for a reason. Maybe I am selfish, but I needed him here with me, I still need him.

No one should have to go through what we went through. No one should have to make that call with their child. Even though we know we did the right thing, the only thing left to do, I am crushed with guilt everyday. Maybe because at the time a part of me felt relief at making the decision, having it all over with, no more unknowns. I just wanted it all to be over with, I didn't want to watch my baby suffer anymore.

So a year has passed. A whole long year. They told me the first year was the hardest, so I am hoping things start to get easier. I have come to a lot of realizations and learned a lot about grief, but it still doesn't make it any better.

Happy New Years

Happy New Years! Well another year has passed, and I can't believe how quickly it went by. It was definitely a hard year, and I have so many hopes that 2008 will be better.

We decided to have a quiet New Years, and stayed home. It seems I have been re-living a lot of memories from last year at this time and New Years has been the worst. Last year it had also been filled with so much hope... I remember repeating over and over, well it has to be better than 2006-things are going to get better. I had no idea how wrong I was. Gabe was looking so much better on New Years than he ever had, Nate held him for the first time, we got his foot prints for the first time. It had been such an amazing and special day-I just want that day back again. Uggghhh... unfortunately I can't have that day back, and I know I must move forward. It just seems like moving forward is leaving Gabe behind.

I am determined to make 2008 a positive year. I have many goals for this year:

1. Bring home a happy and HEALTHY baby girl to spoil
2. Clean and organize my apartment... and keep it cleaned and organized
3. Get back into a healthy weight range after Makayla is born
4. Start the process to buy a house
5. Start moving forward towards getting a business plan done and seriously looking into starting it
6. Continue to keep Gabe's memory alive and honor him by continuing my work for CHERUBS

Merry Christmas

Merry Christmas everyone! I hope everyone had a wonderful Christmas day. We spent Christmas eve with Nate's family at his Aunts house which is always nice. We visited Nate's sister and her boys Christmas morning and my family for dinner. We stopped by the cemetery to visit Gabe on the way home. The whole day was very bittersweet. It was wonderful to visit family and show off my growing HUGE tummy... but Gabe was greatly missed. I wish he was here to spoil, here to love, here to hold. Honestly, I am glad the holidays are over. Too much pain and loss this year-looking forward to 2008 and all the good it will bring.

Pregnancy Update

Another quick doctor's appointment today. I saw the midwife instead of the doctor and she predicted that it was a boy based on the heart beat... Hmmmm maybe she should have looked at my chart b/c she is definitely a girl . The last ultrasound left no question as to that. The one thing I don't like about the midwife is she never looks at the chart before seeing me, so she has NO IDEA who I am or my history. Its very frustrating to have to explain everything to her again as if it were my first appointment. Luckily I have been seeing the doctor for 90% of my visits and he knows who I am. Anyway, everything looked fine-my blood pressure was a little high at first, but they retook it before I left and it was normal. I gained a ton of weight this month-almost doubling what I had gained so far. But I can't say I am surprised, lately I want to stuff myself with everything in sight-and with all the holiday goodies around it is just way to easy. As long as I don't continue to put on as much as I did this month I will still be on target. I go in on Tuesday for another ultrasound to check everything again-I'm hoping to get some more great pictures! I can't wait for these holidays to be over and February to be here!

4am

Well it is 4 am and I have 2 1/2 more hours that I could be sleeping, but nope I am "wide awake". Grrrr, this is what makes the third trimester so difficult-and I am barely in it! I have a very active baby kicking like crazy inside of me, my leg won't stop cramping, I can't get comfortable, my back aches, and I am having the strangest dreams! So here I am in the wee hours of the morning trying to stay busy. Well, I guess its my bodies way of getting me ready for the sleepless nights to come when Makayla makes her big arrival. Oh, I can't wait. I know I really shouldn't be complaining, I would give up far more for my baby, but Nate is snoring away fast asleep.

We are trying to reorganize our apartment to have room for all the baby stuff we had stashed away-what a project this has turned into. I want to have the house all ready soon, but there is so much still to do. The nursery is a wreck since we shut it off after Gabe passed. The only time I have been in it since has been to throw some boxes in for storage. We have to completely take apart everything, clean it, and put it all back together. We finally opened up the door, and have been keeping it open, which I guess is the first step, but every time I look in there I start thinking.... When we got this apartment that wasn't "the nursery" it was "Gabe's Room"! Everything in it was put there while thinking about Gabe. It's hard to think that it's not Gabe's Room anymore. I just feel so weird about it all. I almost feel like setting it up for Makayla would be betraying Gabe. I know thats crazy, but it's a feeling I can't shake. I had really hoped to move into a new place before she came so we could start fresh, but unfortunately that isn't an option and we had to sign another years lease. I know I am going to have to get over all this and just go in there and do it... but I just don't know how.