Work sucks

Work has been really stressful lately. I am a pastry chef and I LOVE to bake and do cakes. While I was prego with Gabe I didn't have a job for awhile and after he passed away I needed a low stress easy job. So I decided to apply at my local grocery store for a cake decorator position. At first it was perfect-part time, no major responsibilities, low stress and easy. After a little time and they discovered my manager experience, my schooling, and my work experience, they started pushing me towards a full time position. It required supervising a few employees, doing ordering, inventory, etc... I didn't want it and I tried to resist, but I am easily persuaded, which gets me into trouble, and in June I told them yes. Since then, we have had our busiest season in the stores history, been shorthanded, and lost one of our managers. I have had to pick up the slack and it was really wearing on me.

Anyway, after much debate with myself, and after my freak out the other day, I decided I couldn't do this to myself anymore. If I wanted responsibility I would have gone to a real bakery, I didn't even intend to work here more than a few months. The only part timer I have left put in her two weeks notice last week and we still can't find anyone to fill any of the positions, which was one of the last straws. Today I told my manager I was demoting myself until the baby is born at which time I am leaving and probably not coming back. She was not happy at all, but I am so relieved. I gave her my revised availability which gives me at least 3 days off! I also warned her that as the pregnancy progressed I would slowly be cutting my hours. I have so much to do at my house before Makayla makes her appearance and I want to enjoy this pregnancy. The stress has really been catching up with me lately as all I do is work and sleep. I think I will be much happier now with more time to do the things I want and need to.

It's A Girl

I am very happy to announce that we are having a girl! More importantly, everything seems to be growing at normal rates, and everything is where it should be! We got some of the test results back and so far they have all come back with low risk for things like Downs Syndrome and Trisomy 18. The only concern was some spotting I had this morning, which after an exam was determined to be caused by a polyp. They will be keeping an eye on it, but say it isn't something to worry about. We will be going back to Yale in 4 weeks for another level 2 ultrasound to make sure everything is still going well. We still have a long way to go but this was the first big hurdle and I feel like I can breathe a little easier. I won't feel completely comfortable until I have her in my arms, but we are one step closer! I know Gabe is watching over his little sister!

I have been tired and stressed lately. Going through a subsequent pregnancy is so difficult. I feel like I am constantly waiting for something to happen, and praying every step of the way that it doesn't. I cut my hours at work to give me more time to myself to get the things I need to done before she arrives.

Gabe's upcoming birthday is weighing heavily on my mind. I am so mixed about it. I don't want the day to pass unnoticed and feel I should do something to celebrate and honor my little boy, I just don't know what. One of the biggest things that is getting me through this each and every day is Cherubs. I can't express enough how much that organization has helped me move forward. I am now a representative for all of the New England states and NY and NJ. I know it will be a lot of work, but so would having a little boy running around, and since I can't have him I want spend my time helping others, spreading CDH awareness, and making him proud. I need to do something that matters. Hopefully I can recruit some helpers along the way from friends, family and other Cherub members.

Craziness all around

This has been a crazy month. I have been kept very busy at work, and most of my free time I spend obsessing over my current pregnancy. We went in again for a check-up on the 19th and this little baby has decided it will be difficult from the beginning. The midwife tried to get the heartbeat on the fetal doppler and once again couldn't. It sent me into such a panic.I stayed calm on the outside, but inside I was freaking out. She brought me in for an ultrasound and the baby was there doing flips and turns, heart beating beautifully! We got a couple of great pics where we can see a profile, arms, legs, it was very exciting. I guess even though the baby almost gave me another heart attack, it was worth it to get the extra peak at him/her. They took me off the progesterone, and so far all is going well. I bought a home fetal doppler to listen to the heartbeat, but still can only find it for a short time here and there. I am sure it will become easier as the baby gets bigger, and will help to give me peace of mind. I go in again on the 5th for a quick check up before we go on vacation and then the big appointments come when we get back in the middle to end of september.

This weekend was my birthday which we spent quietly. Thanks to all that called and emailed, I know I haven't responded to everyone yet but I really did appreciate all the love!

Yesterday was a rough day for me. As crazy as this sounds a shipment of Halloween cookies has sent me hopelessly into a funk. At work, we started getting in all the fall decorations which has sent me into a slightly foul mood, and I couldn't figure out why until the cookies came. I was standing there looking at them and started to get really angry. I started complaining that it was way too early to be doing Halloween cookies when it was still August! Then I started thinking about how Halloween meant October and then comes November and it just can't be almost a year yet! What am I supposed to do?! Do I 'celebrate' or hide? I just don't think I am ready for it. The more time passes the further I feel away from my son, its the most awful feeling and I can't describe or explain it. The realization that so much time has passed was really a huge shock and has sent me down a bit, but I am trying pull myself out of it. Now I am trying to plan something for my angels first birthday while attempting to not go completely off the deep end, and start thinking/planning for a new baby. I don't think I have ever felt such a mixture of emotions at once. I just want to crawl into a hole for a few days, but since that isn't possible I guess I will just keep going through the motions until things level out again.

I guess that is about it for now...just a little glimpse of my crazy world.

Heartbeat!

They found the babies heartbeat!!! Which is the best news we have gotten in a long time. They couldn't find it with the doppler, which was normal since I was only 9 weeks along, but they did another ultrasound and the baby was very visible this time. We found the baby and the hearbeat immediately which was such a relief. I have been carrying around the ultrasound picture with me ever since. I can't believe I'm really pregnant. I am about 10 1/2 weeks along now and am just starting to get the baby bump.

This pregnancy has brought up a whole mixture of emotions. I don't even know where to begin. Overall I am very excited and happy, but it is laced with fear and guilt. I am afraid of so many things going wrong, but I am also afraid of having a hard time with being happy once this baby is born. I know I am not trying to, nor could I ever, replace Gabe...But yet I still feel a little guilty. I guess it is just that I feel guilty for moving on without him. I really wish I had my little boy now more than ever. I know I will never stop missing him. I just keep telling myself that this is not to replace Gabe, it is an earth sibling for Gabe to have and keep an eye on. Nothing now comes easy.

I go back to the doctors on August 16th for a check up. September will be a busy month with doctor visits. They will be giving me my first level 2 ultrasound to make sure everything is developing properly, and sending me to Yale for a high risk consult to evaluate my risk factors. Keep sending your prayers my way for my growing peanut.

Positive Prego

This has been quite a busy month for me. So much has happened recently, I have no idea where to start.

Work has been crazy, and I have been promoted to the full time cake decorator position, which basically means a whole lot more work and responsibility for not a whole lot more money. But that's OK I need to stay busy.

On with the more important news...Nate and I started trying for another baby. After many discussions (we were going to wait a little while longer), and some hard emotions still to sort through we decided that we would never feel fully ready for another baby. That being said, we still have empty arms to fill and the need for a baby here on earth to help complete our family grows stronger everyday. Our solution was to just dive right into it again and get pregnant. Just like with Gabe, it didn't take long and after the first try I got a positive pregnancy test! We were so excited! Scared, but very happy. I finally started to feel some happiness in life again. We had decided to wait to tell everyone until after my first doctors appointment which was on July 19th, when I would be about 9 weeks along. At work 2 mondays ago, I started bleeding. I met Nate at the doctors and they did an exam and an ultrasound. Afterwards we got the devastating news that my doctor could not find the baby in the gestational sac and he believed I was miscarrying, but wanted to get some blood work done to make sure. That week was awful, it was the week of the 4th and I had to wait for my test results until friday. But from talking with my doctor I was convinced that I was having a miscarriage and started to try and accept that. Friday morning I got the call from my doctor telling me that he had good and bad news. The good news is I appear to be still pregnant from my HCG hormone levels which rose dramatically over the two days and looked good and normal. The bad news is I have low progesterone, which can be a sign that a miscarriage is going to happen. He gave me progesterone pills to take twice a day but also told me that studies are inconclusive to whether or not the pills would help. There is not enough information on pregnancy and progesterone so they are not sure whether sometimes miscarriages are caused by low progesterone, or low progesterone is a product of a an inevitable loss. So, I am taking the pills religiously and hoping for the best. I go in to see my doctor again this Thursday, for another ultrasound in hopes that this time he will be able to see a baby and a heart beat. It is possible that the baby was small enough to hide itself in the last ultrasound, but this time it should be big enough where it cannot hide. At least then we will have a better idea of whats going on as far as if its even possible for me to carry this pregnancy to full term. So keep your prayers coming that everything turns out OK, I don't know how much loss and heartache I can take.

Waiting to know one way or another is the hardest thing. But life has a way of keeping me busy and my mind occupied for the most part. I had been taking care of a pregnant stray that found its way to my door, who decided to have her kittens on my bed while I was laying on it the night of the 3rd. She has 5 of the cutest kittens and they keep me entertained and happy when I need it. The mother cat is doing well, and doesn't mind us being around the kittens, she actually seems to prefer it. Im not looking forward to giving them away as I am becoming attached to them which I know is not a good thing. But I think if I tried to keep them I would officially become the crazy cat lady which I don't want :)

It has been over 6 months since we lost Gabe, and everything is still very raw. The 6 month mark was difficult as there is a part of me that definitely does not want to move on with life. It seems the longer time that passes the harder the realization that I have to go on for the rest of my life without him. It makes the future very hard to think about. I know that doesn't make a lot of sense, but neither does this life sometimes. But as someone told me recently I just have to Get Up! Get Dressed! Get Going! and I guess the rest will fall into place eventually.

5 months

Well, as I look at the date today I try to accept the fact that it has been 5 months since Gabe passed. Time seems to be rolling along gathering speed as it goes faster and faster, and I am still up on the hill left behind watching it go. I really wish it would all stop for a little bit and let me catch up.

I guess overall things are getting 'better'. I have days that I actually enjoy for the most part. There are times in the day when my mind is on things other than Gabriel. I think I am starting to start life up again, although it is taking a long time and I am not really all that thrilled about it. I still have bad days, in fact a lot of bad days, but we are making plans for the future and I do have goals and ambitions once again. My next big step is to try and actually start going through Gabe's room. I am not looking forward to that, but I know it needs to be done.

I am still trying to focus some of this negative experience into good energy and am very excited about Cherubs stuff starting to come together. I am officially the Connecticut state rep, and have volunteered to be the rep for Rhode Island as well if they can't find someone. I hope to start working with that as soon as I get the information I need. It is really wonderful the support I have received from other people I have never even met from these CDH support groups. I hope I can do that for others. There is a Cherubs get together in September that I am going to be able to attend, which I am very excited about. It will be great to be able to meet some of the people I have been talking to all these months.

Thats about all for right now. There are so many other things going on right now, so many emotions and feelings, but I can't seem to put them all into words. Still just taking one day, one minute, at a time.

Baby Rat...yes I said rat

Ok, I am going to start out by saying that as you read this you may think I'm crazy, but thats OK, I have accepted that most of my friends and family do. I am an animal lover. I have three cats, a rabbit, and three rats who are my babies. I know, most people freak out over the rat thing, but they are wonderful animals no matter what anyone says. Anyway, my animals have really been a huge comfort to me in the last few months. They are always there, willing to listen, and they give you unconditional love.
Since I am the crazy animal lover, when ever a friend or a friend of a friend finds a sick or injured animal I am always the first person they call, I can't say no. On sunday I got a call from a close friend saying that her friend found a baby rat in a parking lot and wanted to know if I will take care of it. Of course I end up taking it and bringing it home. The rat was probably only about a week old, barely had fur and hadn't even opened its eyes yet. So I start by contacting rat breeders (yes the do exist, rats are becoming popular pets) and find out exactly what I need to do for it. I buy the special soy baby formula, feed it every 3 hours, keep it warm, everything I am supposed to do. It looked like it was doing good the last couple of days and like always I started to fall in love with it. This morning when we went to feed it, it looked really sick and ended up dying in my hands. I KNEW it would probably die when I got it, it was soooo young and was probably sick. I have had sick animals die on me before. There is always a good chance they will end up dying, there is only so much you can do. You know and accept that when you take in sick animals. But this has hit me hard today. It is bringing up all sorts of horrible feelings and emotions. All of a sudden I feel like everything I touch is going to die. I think with having to feed it and take care of it like a baby, and wanting to be a mom sooo bad, I kinda unconciously became its mom and now that its died I cant seem to handle it. I know that sounds completely insane, but thats how I feel right now...completely nuts! I feel like I just lost my baby all over again. I think I am going crazy.

Well thats about it. I just needed to vent for a bit. I thought I was doing so good with the grieving thing, this has just knocked me down when I wasn't looking. It feels like it will never end. I miss my son!