5 months

Well, as I look at the date today I try to accept the fact that it has been 5 months since Gabe passed. Time seems to be rolling along gathering speed as it goes faster and faster, and I am still up on the hill left behind watching it go. I really wish it would all stop for a little bit and let me catch up.

I guess overall things are getting 'better'. I have days that I actually enjoy for the most part. There are times in the day when my mind is on things other than Gabriel. I think I am starting to start life up again, although it is taking a long time and I am not really all that thrilled about it. I still have bad days, in fact a lot of bad days, but we are making plans for the future and I do have goals and ambitions once again. My next big step is to try and actually start going through Gabe's room. I am not looking forward to that, but I know it needs to be done.

I am still trying to focus some of this negative experience into good energy and am very excited about Cherubs stuff starting to come together. I am officially the Connecticut state rep, and have volunteered to be the rep for Rhode Island as well if they can't find someone. I hope to start working with that as soon as I get the information I need. It is really wonderful the support I have received from other people I have never even met from these CDH support groups. I hope I can do that for others. There is a Cherubs get together in September that I am going to be able to attend, which I am very excited about. It will be great to be able to meet some of the people I have been talking to all these months.

Thats about all for right now. There are so many other things going on right now, so many emotions and feelings, but I can't seem to put them all into words. Still just taking one day, one minute, at a time.

Baby Rat...yes I said rat

Ok, I am going to start out by saying that as you read this you may think I'm crazy, but thats OK, I have accepted that most of my friends and family do. I am an animal lover. I have three cats, a rabbit, and three rats who are my babies. I know, most people freak out over the rat thing, but they are wonderful animals no matter what anyone says. Anyway, my animals have really been a huge comfort to me in the last few months. They are always there, willing to listen, and they give you unconditional love.
Since I am the crazy animal lover, when ever a friend or a friend of a friend finds a sick or injured animal I am always the first person they call, I can't say no. On sunday I got a call from a close friend saying that her friend found a baby rat in a parking lot and wanted to know if I will take care of it. Of course I end up taking it and bringing it home. The rat was probably only about a week old, barely had fur and hadn't even opened its eyes yet. So I start by contacting rat breeders (yes the do exist, rats are becoming popular pets) and find out exactly what I need to do for it. I buy the special soy baby formula, feed it every 3 hours, keep it warm, everything I am supposed to do. It looked like it was doing good the last couple of days and like always I started to fall in love with it. This morning when we went to feed it, it looked really sick and ended up dying in my hands. I KNEW it would probably die when I got it, it was soooo young and was probably sick. I have had sick animals die on me before. There is always a good chance they will end up dying, there is only so much you can do. You know and accept that when you take in sick animals. But this has hit me hard today. It is bringing up all sorts of horrible feelings and emotions. All of a sudden I feel like everything I touch is going to die. I think with having to feed it and take care of it like a baby, and wanting to be a mom sooo bad, I kinda unconciously became its mom and now that its died I cant seem to handle it. I know that sounds completely insane, but thats how I feel right now...completely nuts! I feel like I just lost my baby all over again. I think I am going crazy.

Well thats about it. I just needed to vent for a bit. I thought I was doing so good with the grieving thing, this has just knocked me down when I wasn't looking. It feels like it will never end. I miss my son!

Mothers Day

Well, Mothers Day was an awful day for me but not for the reasons I would have thought. I was sick the entire day and slept most of it away.

As far as the rest of it went it was really the days leading up to it that were the hardest. At work I decorate cakes, and Mother's Day is a busy holiday for cake orders. It was a constant reminder of the day that I couldn't celebrate...at least not the way I wanted to. I also got the question 'are you a mother?' quite a few times over the course of the week. I really and truly hate that question right now. Am I a mother????? Well I don't feel like a mother. But I did have a child and to say no to that question I feel is denying the fact that Gabriel was born. So I tell people yes and I prayed that they would simply wish me a Happy Mothers Day and leave. Some would want to know more, or would simply elaborate on what I should do for Mothers Day. It sucks that these nice gestures that some people are trying to make, make me want to cry and scream. I am a mommy to an angel, the most difficult type of child to be a mommy to.

Gabe's stone was finally put in the first week of May. It is really beautiful, with a picture of a boy and a teddy bear. I didn't even remember what it was going to look like until I saw it. I think I was in such a daze in the weeks that followed Gabe's death, everything is still a blur. I do remember looking at some of the designs and feeling that they weren't right. I wanted something that represented his short time here on earth. He never got to play baseball or play with trucks, but the one thing he did have with him the entire time was a stuffed animal we call dogbear. Kinda looks like a dog and a bear at the same time and he sat on the bed next to Gabriel his whole life. Now dogbear is one of the few things I have to remember Gabe by. I treasure it so much, as it has been a great comfort to me when I need something physical to hold and think of Gabe. When I saw Gabe's stone I saw the bear and thought how perfect it was. I don't think I even realized it when we were picking it out, but it was the perfect design. So there it is the stone is in and it all seems very final. Everything feels like it is moving forward very fast and I still feel lost.

Mothers Day Approaching

As Mothers Day approaches I think about how my life would be different if my baby was still here. My apartment feels empty, missing something, even though he never came home. All the dreams I had with the nursery and all of his "firsts" taking place here. It feels so empty and quiet, all of his stuff still in place, still waiting to be used. The door to the nursery always closed, just a plain door, but still a constant reminder of whats behind it and all the of the dreams that were shattered. I'm not quite sure how Mothers Day is going to affect me this year. I'm not sure if it's going to be hard or if I will hardly notice it's going by... I don't really feel like a mother... I guess we will find out.

I have found that I have the need to immerse myself into things were I can think and talk about Gabe. For awhile it was this website. I have added so many things to it, and really enjoyed doing so. I really want to keep his memory alive and I love honoring him with this site.
Unfortunately, there was only so much I could add. I think I have just about finished it and I found myself very upset at that fact. This was a such a positive outlet for me...I didn't want to be finished with it, ever. This week I have joined two groups dealing with CDH; Cherubs and Breath of Hope. I had visited there websites many times and figured I would join and see what it was all about. They both are excellent sources of information and support. I have met so may wonderful people who have been affected by CDH. They have really wonderful networks of support. I also have volunteered with Cherubs to see if I can help in some way, either in research, fund raising, and advocacy; or to help giving support to other families so they can also obtain the information and support they need. Hopefully I will hear back soon, and can start that.

One of the things I have found is that it is best to keep busy. I feel like I am barely dodging going crazy from this experience, but if I can just keep busy and find outlets that allow me to stay positive while grieving for my son, I might be able to keep afloat. I feel like if I could help others and possibly help in the fight to find better treatments for CDH babies, help other babies, than Gabriel's life would mean that much more. I want to make my son proud, show him I am a strong person like he was for me.

Gabriel...I miss you so much!

Easter

Happy Easter! I thought about doing something, making an easter basket or something to that affect. But I feel so weird doing things like that. One of the hardest things is not knowing what the best way to handle things are. It just isn't something you can ever prepare for.

I went to Virginia this weekend on a mini vacation with some friends and everything seemed to remind me of Gabe. You never realize how many babies are around until you loose your own. I either want to run and hide when I see one, or I just stare wondering if he/she is the same age as Gabe would be. I try not to stare because I often get the strangest looks from the parents. I think its because of the expression on my face, I'm sure it's not the normal 'ooohhh cute baby' look. It's more of a longing sad look. I think I make the parents nervous. I guess it's a good thing most of the time I just shy away.

This weekend was a nice getaway, but it was very bittersweet. I just kept thinking 'if I had my baby there would be no way I would be doing this right now'. I think about how different my life would be right now with an infant to take care of. Sometimes I try to convince myself that I am doing things I couldn't do if I had an infant to take care of, and put a positive spin on it. Like I'm not tied down and can still go out on a whim, have a few drinks with friends, minimal responsibility. But, I guess you can't lie to yourself. It never feels like a good thing no matter how hard I try to tell myself it could be. I was ready for the responsibility, the craziness. I was ready to move to the next stage in my life, so instead of feeling liberated I just feel cheated and stuck in a time frame I was done with. I'm not sure if I am making any sense, but I guess feelings often don't. I read that part of grieving is feeling as if you have gone crazy, and I can defiantly agree to that one.

Am I mourning the right way?
You know, I've never been the mother of a dead child.
So what are the rules?
Can I still laugh, smile? Should I still feel so dead inside?
Do I cry too much? Do I cry enough?
What is the proper tone of voice?
I feel like I am on display, everyone is staring and talking about me.
I feel like screaming "Well, am I doing it right?!"
-Sue Wolter

2 months

Gabe,
My precious, perfect baby boy. Its been two months since i let you go, I miss you more than anything. I dream of you every night. My heart and arms ache and sometimes I wonder how I am supposed to make it through another day. I find a strength I did not know I had. I have found a new depth to my soul. I never new such a love existed. I obsess over your memory and I can't stop. It is so hard to keep faith during this time. I need to know you are in a better place, but its so hard to believe in anything right now. I have so much hurt, anger, guilt... The emotions are so intense and I don't know where to place them. It's all so confusing. Overall, it's such a feeling of hopelessness. I read somewhere that when you feel you are in a dark cave, remember it is always a tunnel. I guess I just can't see the light yet.

My Letter to Gabe:

You came into my life, and everything changed. Suddenly everything made sense. I remember the first time I felt you move, laying awake next to your daddy. It was little bubbles, and I somehow knew it was you.

I watched you grow as I got bigger and I knew so much. I knew love, I knew hope. I knew something so precious it would forever change everything. And you did. I remeber your birth, so special. Feeling your head before you showed yourself, hearing your first and only cry...If I had only known that would be the only sound you ever made...

They told me you probably wouldn't live and I wouldn't...couldn't believe them. I thought if I just believed, if I just prayed hard enough I could make you stay. I know you tried so hard. Two months you gave it your all, and I am so grateful for that time spent. I hope you know how special you are. How much we loved you. How many people loved you. We will always love you.

You left this world so quietly, no one noticed that the earth shook and time stopped. I held you and felt you leave. My heart broke, a piece of me died with you, and I will never be the same. I sit alone as the world goes on and my world has stopped. They say time heals all wounds, but time has no meaning. All I want is you, my perfect baby boy. It just isn't fair. I hope you are out there somewhere, and that one day I will see you again. Until then, I will pray, and keep you in my heart forever.
Love Mommy