2 months

Gabe,
My precious, perfect baby boy. Its been two months since i let you go, I miss you more than anything. I dream of you every night. My heart and arms ache and sometimes I wonder how I am supposed to make it through another day. I find a strength I did not know I had. I have found a new depth to my soul. I never new such a love existed. I obsess over your memory and I can't stop. It is so hard to keep faith during this time. I need to know you are in a better place, but its so hard to believe in anything right now. I have so much hurt, anger, guilt... The emotions are so intense and I don't know where to place them. It's all so confusing. Overall, it's such a feeling of hopelessness. I read somewhere that when you feel you are in a dark cave, remember it is always a tunnel. I guess I just can't see the light yet.

My Letter to Gabe:

You came into my life, and everything changed. Suddenly everything made sense. I remember the first time I felt you move, laying awake next to your daddy. It was little bubbles, and I somehow knew it was you.

I watched you grow as I got bigger and I knew so much. I knew love, I knew hope. I knew something so precious it would forever change everything. And you did. I remeber your birth, so special. Feeling your head before you showed yourself, hearing your first and only cry...If I had only known that would be the only sound you ever made...

They told me you probably wouldn't live and I wouldn't...couldn't believe them. I thought if I just believed, if I just prayed hard enough I could make you stay. I know you tried so hard. Two months you gave it your all, and I am so grateful for that time spent. I hope you know how special you are. How much we loved you. How many people loved you. We will always love you.

You left this world so quietly, no one noticed that the earth shook and time stopped. I held you and felt you leave. My heart broke, a piece of me died with you, and I will never be the same. I sit alone as the world goes on and my world has stopped. They say time heals all wounds, but time has no meaning. All I want is you, my perfect baby boy. It just isn't fair. I hope you are out there somewhere, and that one day I will see you again. Until then, I will pray, and keep you in my heart forever.
Love Mommy