Corin's Crazy Life

Twin Checkup Update

2010-08-12T23:11:00.000-04:00

Today was a HUGE day!! I SUCCESSFULLY took all three kids out of the house BY MYSELF! Now, I know that may not seem like that big of a deal, but it is! It means that I can leave the house without relying on someone else...and that is HUGE. Not that we went anywhere fun, just to the pediatritian, and I probably won't do it often, but atleast I know it is, in fact, possible!

We had Jeremy and Kyra's 1 month check-up and the doctor was very happy. Jeremy weighed in at 7 lbs 1 oz and 20 inches long which means he has gained 1 lb 3 oz, and 1/2 inch since birth. Kyra weighed in at 7 lbs 12 oz and 20.5 inches long, which means she has gained 2 lbs 3 oz, and 1.5 inches since birth!

And since I can't leave a post without pictures....

Ayla wearing Grandma's lipstick....oh so pretty

We love our baby wrap!

Our little peanut wide awake!

For some reason I can't get this picture to post right, but she is so cute!...grrrr

Naptime!

1 month

2010-08-10T23:16:00.000-04:00

Today the twins turn 1 month old, and what a crazy month it has been! We have had most of the grandparents come and help out at some point, including my step-mom from South Carolina who left today after a great week long visit. Kyra and Jeremy are doing great, eating constantly and growing as they should :) We have their 1 month appointment on Thursday to find out just how much they have grown! Ayla is starting to settle into a routine with the twins, and although she has her moments and meltdowns, she has been great with them. She has mastered how to gently give them their binky, and loves to share her cherished "bunny" with them (for short periods of time). It's so wonderful to see how much she loves her "two babies".

As far as my personal update: I'm tired... very very tired. They are feeding every two hours and I am struggling to keep up. Three little ones under three is tough, and I am finding it near impossible to find a minute to spare. I'm up constantly feeding, burping, changing diapers, cleaning, cooking,keeping up with Ayla, etc... Honestly, I'm overwhelmed. I know how lucky I am to have these beautiful babies, and I don't take one moment for granted and would never trade any of this for the world, but I am only one person! In the next month I have three cake orders, and I'm panicking at the thought of getting them done. I need help... and with family an hour or more away, it's tough! I know one way or another I'll get it all done, and this craziness won't last forever...I'm just praying I can hold onto what is left of my sanity till then!

Well, my five minutes are up... time to feed a baby or two ;)

Here are some pics from the twins first photo shoot

Project Sweet Peas on GMA

2010-07-27T14:17:00.000-04:00

This morning Project Sweet Peas was featured on Good Morning America! We are so excited to have this national media coverage! I am overwhelmed by the huge response we have recieved since winning the Pepsi Refresh Grant. A huge THANK YOU to all those who have supported us, we could not have done this without you!

Here is the feature on GMA:

First Week Home

2010-07-21T00:26:00.000-04:00

I guess it's time to post a quick late night update in between feeds! Something tells me this will be the only way I get a little computer time for awhile...

I can't believe the twins are already 10 days old! It has been a crazy week, and I have loved every minute of it.... ok, well almost every minute of it ;) Kyra and Jeremy are doing great! They were slow to feed at first, and had taken a little while to start putting on weight, but we are finally going in the right direction! They now officially are pros at doing all those infant tasks...eating, pooping, peeing, and sleeping. Of course they are great at snuggling too (my personal favorite). I just can't seem to put them down, and neither can Ayla! She has been such a great big sister, always around to "help" when she can :) Ayla is adjusting better than I originally thought she would. She has some difficult moments, and is definitely testing her boundaries more than before, but overall she really loves her new siblings and wants to help! I love my family so much, and feel so blessed. I'm just taking one day at a time and trying to enjoy every moment.

Here are some pictures of the first week home:

Tired Mommy

Cuddle Time

Proud big sister with little sister Kyra

Holding Brother Jeremy

The twins are here!

2010-07-12T22:44:00.000-04:00

It's been a very long time since I've written anything, and obviously a lot has happened. I figured this would be a good time to revive my blog as my life has taken so many twists and turns in the past year, and it's about to get crazier! I've definitely learned that I cannot plan life, I just need to learn to hold on and enjoy the ride. So without any further delay.....

THE TWINS ARE HERE!!!!

It was the craziest delivery and not at all what we had expected! After a semi-difficult pregnancy it had been decided that it was safest to schedule a c-section, which I was not very happy with. We had one scheduled for July 21st (38wks 3days), but the twins had other things in mind. My water broke at 5:40am on July 10th while I was sleeping.... it was the SAME EXACT time my water broke with Gabe (also while I was sleeping). We got up and started getting ready to go the hospital. I thought I would have plenty of time b/c I never actually went into natural labor with either Gabe or Ayla they had to end up using Pitocin to get the contractions going. By the time we got to the hospital it was almost 6:45am and I was having some pretty bad contractions. When they set me up in triage I was in having hard contractions only seconds apart. They took blood to check my platelets to see if I would be able to get an epidural or spinal block for my c-section, but they came back unreadable. They took a second blood and sent it down but when they checked me I was already 9cm, so they started to prep for a c-section and decided it would just be safest to knock me out based on my previous weeks platelet reading. They started to wheel me out of the triage room and I felt pressure and Kyra came right out. No one could believe it! They lifted up the sheet and there she was screaming! They plopped her on my chest and wheeled me into the OR. After a quick ultrasound they found Jeremy was head down and I could proceed to deliver him naturally. 42 minutes after Kyra was born Jeremy came out with one small push. They are absolutely perfect, and I know Gabe was watching over me with this delivery. They came home with us today, and I am still in awe that they are actually here! Makayla will be home tomorrow and I just can't wait to have us all under one roof!

As for the official info:

Kyra Eve Nava was born at 8:30am. She was 5 lbs 9 oz and 19 inches long.
Jeremy Eric Nava was born at 9:12am. He was 5 lb 14 oz and 19.5 inches long.

Here are some pics:

4 am

2009-12-21T04:27:00.000-05:00

It's 4am and I have been up, wide awake, for the last half hour. What is up with that?! I'm constantly tired, yet the last few nights around this time I've woken up from random pains and not been able to go back to sleep for awhile. Not fair!

Last Thursday I ended up having to go the the ER...abulance ride and all. I think it was the first time since I was a little girl! I have been feeling weak and a little dizzy, but figured it was because I haven't been able to eat much these past couple weeks. I ended up getting very dizzy and disorientated on Thursday afternoon while out. They diagnosed me with virtigo and dehydration. Aparently virtigo is an inner ear thing and can make you feel pretty sick and dizzy. They gave me meds and lots of iv fluids and sent me home to have an "easy" weekend. Unfortunately, this was my big truffle weekend, which made relaxing hard. Nate has been great, and really stepped up to help me with the truffles. I finally finished them last night, with a big sigh of relief!

Ayla has really been testing her boundaries lately. She goes through periods of being the sweetest little girl around, to devil child on a sugar high in no time! Haven't figured out the best way to deal with her tantrums yet... but I'm working on it! ;) This morning was interesting. We have been semi-potty training her. Trying to catch her before she poops and make her poop on her potty, but really have been pretty slack about the whole thing. She doesn't tell us when she is going to poop, but lets us know afterwards b/c she hates the feel of a poopy diaper. This morning she slept in late, which was great, but woke us up at 9am by screaming! Nate ran upstairs to get her and SURPRISE.....naked poopy baby! She had unzipped her pj's and taken her diaper off AFTER she pooped! Luckily most of the mess was contained inside the pj's. So gross! I'm just praying this doesn't turn into a regular morning adventure now that she knows how to do it! I guess it's time for potty boot camp and time to consider looking into a toddler bed....when did my baby grow up?!

Well, thats all for now random readers. Just another update into my crazy little life. Time to go try and get some sleep!

Surprise-It's Twins!

2009-12-14T20:48:00.000-05:00

First, let me start by saying that I can't keep a secret to save my life. We had planned on waiting to tell everyone for at least another few weeks, if not months. But, I am just bursting with excitement, and nervousness, and need to share it all!

A few days before Thanksgiving I realized I was a day or so late, figured it was nothing, but went and took a pregnancy test anyways. I took it, thought it was negative and threw it away. Looked at it later and could see a very faint line. Took another one the next day, and another faint line. Holy crap, I was pregnant! I called my doctor and scheduled bloodwork. When my bloodwork came back it showed some interesting numbers. My progesterone level was low again, so they put me on supplements. My hcg level started on the lower side on the first test, but in 3 days went up x6 when they would expect it to only double. My doctor mentioned that it can be an indicator of a multiple pregancy and set me up for an ultrasound appointment. Today was the big day to get the ultrasound this morning. Sure enough, two little sacs with two little babies, and two little flickering heartbeats. Amazing. I'm still in shock, and a bit freaked out, but also very excited. I am just praying for a very uneventful pregnancy. Please let this pregnancy go smoothly....

Here is our very first picture of our little jellybeans!

And since I haven't posted any pics of Ayla recently...here's a few of our little monkey:

And a few cake pictures too :)

Bad blogger

2009-12-10T01:08:00.000-05:00

Where does time go? So much has happened lately and yet I keep putting off updating here. One reason is I keep going back and forth trying to figure out if I want to make my blog private or not. But oh well, time to update.

On Thanksgiving my parents got surprised with a home makeover! They were nominated by a bunch of teachers that my dad works with. They have been working on the porch and yard this past week, and today they had to move into a hotel for 4 days while they makeover the inside of the house. The "unveiling" is on sunday, and I can't wait to see what they've done! I am so happy for my parents, they definitely needed this desperatly!

One of my best friends ended up having her baby earlier than expected last week via emergency c-cection. I have been worried sick about her and her little boy all week, but they seem to be doing fairly well now and on the road to recovery. She has been through so much with all her children, and I just wish she would get a break! Her baby boy is absolutely gorgeous, I can't wait to meet him!

Christmas is going to be tough this year for us. Ayla is the only one we are buying presents for, and even she isn't getting very much :( Nate's hours were cut at his job and money has been really tight. We are going further into debt with every passing month, and this month I was forced to pay bills with credit... I just don't know what to do. I'm doing odd jobs when I can, and Nate is trying to find a new job, but something needs to give soon. I had to apply for heating assistance this year and it was such a blow to my ego. I just never imagined us in this situation. We actually ended up running out of heat this weekend b/c I was hoping the heating assistance would go through before we ran out. Unfortunatley, it didn't go through yet, so I was forced to buy oil with my credit card and than got a fee for boiler service since we ran out. We are just praying that Nate gets a new job very soon, b/c one way or another we are going to have to move out of this house very soon.

Ayla is doing well. She is growing so fast it amazes me. I look at her now and I don't see a baby anymore, it's so weird to see her little brain at work. She still isn't saying many words, but she understands everything we say and really tries to communicate with us. I really think she is going to end up needing speech therapy.

Project Sweet Pea is continuing to grow! We just added two new projects to our group. 10 projects in all! I am so happy and honored to have such amazing women working with us! I love being able to give people the opportunity to help others :)

I have also been going through some personal things that I'm not ready to share quite yet...but will soon. So stay tuned ;)

Happy Birthday Gabe

2009-11-18T22:36:00.000-05:00

Happy Birthday to my little man. Three years....has it really been three years? These milestones always bring up the same questions; what would he look like? what would his personality be like? I miss him.... 3 years and still not a day goes by that I don't think about him.

Nate took the day off work. We started the day on a bad note, having to put my pet rat, Dumbo, to sleep. She was old and sick, and I had been putting it off for awhile. I am now done with caged animals. They don't live long enough, so I am done! I don't really have the time for them anyways.

We brought gift bags to Lawrence and Memorial Hospital. My way of giving Gabe his birthday presents. We dropped them off and met with the head NICU nurse. She seemed very interested in Project Sweet Pea, and very excited to get the bags. It's nice to know they will make a difference and be put to good use. L&M Hospital was where Ayla was born and spent her short NICU stay. It's a very nice hospital, with a great NICU, although it is much smaller than Mass General. Afterwards we visited Gabe's site and decorated his stone for the holidays. Whenever I am out shopping I always pick up little nicknacks to leave for him. I am determined for the rest of my life to make sure he has a well decorated site. One of the few things I can still do for him.

Wow, 3 years. 3 years and it still feels as raw somedays as the day he passed. I guess you never get over something like that, even though people who have never been through it seem to think you should...

I am probably going to make my blog private for awhile... I use this blog as a journal and I am afraid of being judged, or things taken the wrong way, which has kept me from blogging a lot lately. I have written quite a few entries lately and then deleted them b/c of this.... If you read this and you would like an invitation to my blog once I make it private, please either post a comment or email me at: Chefrinny@gmail.com

Wooden Crafts

2009-11-15T17:37:00.003-05:00

This week we have all had a bit of a cold. Unfortunatly that means we have been shut in the house all week! I started playing around with some wooden crafts and have found a new hobby!

Here are some pictures of my latest creations:

I made these to include as keepsakes in the Project Sweet Pea bags.

This was made to match a bedding set for a dear friend of mine

This is a frame I made for a friend who loves lighthouses. I have the perfect picture to put in it! :)

This is for Ayla's room

Thats all for now...Thanks for looking!!!

Sweet Pea Shower

2009-11-11T19:52:00.000-05:00

First I want to thank everyone who helped with the Sweet Pea Shower! We had a great day and collected tons of items to stuff the gift bags with! I'm hoping to go to the hospital next week to drop off some of these bags!

Here are a couple pictures from the Shower:

Pictures

2009-10-23T17:23:00.000-04:00

Just a couple of pictures till I have some time to update. Enjoy :)

Tiffany's Box 16th Birthday Cake

Day at Grandma's!

Smelling the Flowers!

Check out my boots!

So pretty :)

Sweet Pea Shower

2009-10-14T22:15:00.002-04:00

It's that time of year again! As usual I am putting together an event in memory of Gabriel for his birthday. This year we are having the Sweet Pea Shower! This event has an open invitation for all, so come out to support us and bring a friend!

In Memory of Gabriel Eric Nava

Date: Saturday, November 07, 2009

Time: 12pm-4pm

Place: St. Joseph’s Church

1105 MAIN STREET

, HOPE VALLEY, RI 02832

RSVP: Corin @ 401-524-9182

For more information visit: http://projectsweetpeas.com/SweetPeaShower.aspx

Home Sweet Home

2009-10-07T12:29:00.001-04:00

Last week Ayla and I went down to visit with my sister in South Carolina for a week. It was an amazing week! We met my little nephew, who is absolutely adorable, and Ayla was able to finally meet her Auntie Missy and Grandma C. It was great just to be able to see them again! I was even able to go to Charleston for a day and see some friends from IHOP ;)

I am finally home, and now trying to catch up with everything! It's amazing how many emails can accumalate in a week!

Here are some pics from our grand adventures:

Missy and Domonic

Ayla feeding Domonic

Friends from Charleston

Welcome to the World Dominic Xavier!!!

2009-09-23T21:01:00.000-04:00

Just wanted to announce that my nephew, Dominic Xavier (I hope I'm spelling his name right!) was born this afternoon! Big congrats to my little sister, Missy, who is going to make a great mom :) I can't wait to go meet him next week!!!! I will post pictures as soon as I can!!!

Terrible Two's....already???

2009-09-21T12:46:00.000-04:00

This picture pretty much explains my life lately. A screaming toddler! Wow, what happened to my perfect little angel?! She has been throwing the worst tantrums lately! Spoiled doesn't begin to describe her, and she hates to be told 'no'. In fact she hates the word so much, she decides that it is necessary to turn into a devil child and attempts to blow mommy's ear drums with her screeches! I've always heard of the "terrible twos" but I thought I had a little more time before I had to worry about that! Wow, this is making me re-think having another baby for a loooong time! lol

Overall she has been great. Ayla had her 18 month check up a few weeks ago. She weighed in at 27 lbs 4 oz and 34" tall (although I believe she is taller, the nurse had a really hard time getting her to stay still...lol). She is finally starting to come out with some new words, but "mommy" STILL isn't one of them :( Stubborn little girl! She reached the minimum number of words to avoid speech therapy for another few months. The pediatrician wants to re-evaluate her at her next appointment and make a decision.

Ayla and I are leaving for South Carolina next week! My little nephew is due this week! I'm so excited to get the news..... I can't wait to meet him :) Ayla hasn't met her Auntie Missy or her grandma Cheryl yet, so this will be a very exciting trip for everyone! We are staying down for a week, and I'm hoping to be able to take a drive to Charleston for a day trip to see some old friends!

Well thats about it for now! I'm going to really try to update more often :)

Pics of cake and Ayla...again :)

2009-08-30T20:42:00.001-04:00

Midnight Madness

2009-08-28T22:18:00.000-04:00

I know I haven't posted in awhile, I really haven't had much free time to myself at all. Really, couldn't we extend the day by say 10 hours.... or maybe just skip sleeping. I could get so much accomplished if I just didn't have to sleep ;) Let's see...where to start?...

Project Sweet Pea:

We had an awesome graphic designer put together a graphic for our logo. It came out AMAZING. The designer is Rachel Blanchard and you can check out her stuff here:
http://www.coroflot.com/RachelB83
We have uploaded our new logo to our cafepress store so check it out: www.cafepress.com/projectsweetpea
We are also working very hard on getting our online personal stores ready to go live. We will have t-shirts, tote bags, candles, ornaments, burp clothes, and much more! Check back on our website to see whats new.

I am also very excited to announce that we have 4 new project leaders working with us, and a few others who are interested! Added to Gabriel's Gift, Shannon's Star, Shelby's Sunshine, we now have Kiernan's Kindness, Ayda's Blessing, and 2 others to be named soon! I hope that we can continue to grow and cover as many hospitals as possible. I feel
so blessed to be working with such amazing women!

Sweet Cravings:

The business is still in limbo right now. I am working to get the deposits back from the restaurant owner. We are tossing around different ideas of ways to get this started, some of the ideas would mean putting it off for a year or so.... which I'm not too happy about, but I know I will have it eventually. Maybe it's just not the right time. That being said, I am still doing cakes for friends and family and actually keeping pretty busy with it! For the past two months almost every weekend has been booked with cakes. I am also now waitressing on a regular basis 3-4 days a week, and between the two I am exhausted. It's nice to finally be able to contribute again to the family income!

Ayla:

My sweet little baby is turning into a bit of a monster... I have to admit I think she may be just the teensiest bit spoiled ;) Oops. I'm hoping that all this is her going through the terrible twos early, and this is the worst of it, b/c if not....we are in HUGE trouble! It's really not all that bad though, she is still a ton of fun, and full of love.

Nate brought her to the Pawsox game last night, where she apparently had a great time. She even met Paws and had her picture taken (which I don't have yet).

Mini Get-Away:
We were able to escape to New Hampshire last weekend for my birthday, which was amazing! We spent the weekend relaxing, shopping, playing disc golf (which is actually a lot of fun!), and eating way too much! Ayla enjoyed all the new scenery. We even took a trip up to the Ben & Jerry's factory in Vermont and scored some free ice cream :)- mmmmm....ice cream!

Unfortunately I have been having issues with my camera lately so we only got a couple of pics from the weekend.

Well, I think that covers almost everything.... I promise very soon I will stop being such an awful friend and catch up with everyone! I don't really need full nights sleep ;)

Pictures

2009-08-10T22:14:00.000-04:00

I will give a better update tomorrow, but thought I would share some pictures of my two favorite things while I had a couple of minutes :)

Ayla:

Cake:

Rollercoaster Ride We Call Life

2009-07-24T09:28:00.000-04:00

If you couldn't tell from the title of this post, life has been.... interesting (for lack of a better word). This is going to be a chaotic post, all over the place with updates, so bear with me :)

Sweet Cravings Update:
The business is temporarily on hold. We ran into a problem with zoning, which I had been trying to fight. Apparently all of West Kingstown is residential zoning, and all businesses there existed before the zoning ordinance. The facility I was trying to rent is in the basement of a restaurant, but because that facility is non-conforming to the zoning ordinance, only restaurants can operate out of the building. I consulted a lawyer to see if there was anything we could do, and we could apply for a special use permit, but it would take time, money that I don't have, and would probably still be turned down. Now I'm back to square one trying to find a new location....I am so frustrated. I am still doing cakes on the side, along with any other odd and end jobs I can find. I have actually been picking up some shifts at the breakfast restaurant that I was trying to rent. Anything to pay the bills!

Ayla Update:
Ayla has been great. She is now climbing furniture, and getting herself into all sorts of trouble :) She is truly fearless it seems, which will probably give me a heart attack before she turns two! She had a check up earlier this week and all is well. They still couldn't figure out what had caused the hives and all her other symptoms, but since they haven't come back her doctor isn't worried about it.

Nathan Update:
Nate passed his CDE (certified diabetes educator) exam! Wooohoooo! Congrats to my hubby!!! Besides that, he is beng the wonderful supportive husband throughout all my craziness!!!! :)

Misc:
A couple of weeks ago we went down into our basement storage to find that moisture and mice had gotten to almost EVERYTHING we had stored down there..... tons of stuff that we had saved to use for future babies, our holiday decorations, etc.... Mouse poop is all over the place, and mold is growing on everything porous. I know it's all just material goods, and can be replaced, but ugh!!!! We just can't seem to catch a break lately!

Update on Me:
Well.... I've been better, and I've been worse. I have a lot going on right now, and emotionally I am a just really worn down. I know I owe a lot of people phone calls and visits, and I will start to catch up soon! Please be patient with me.....

Project Sweet Pea

2009-07-05T16:13:00.000-04:00

Gift bags for parents with children in the NICU

We seek to provide a little touch of comfort for parents of children in the Neonatal Intensive Care Unit (NICU). This project was started by a group of parents and grandparents who have one thing in common, we have all experienced what it is like having a critically ill child in the NICU. Through our experience we came together for support and comfort. Now it is our turn to give back.

Our goal is simple:
To provide gift bags filled with items that may give a touch of comfort to someone in need and let them know they are not alone.

Check out our website: www.projectsweetpeas.com

Disclaimer: Project Sweet Pea is NOT a non-profit organization; all purchases and donations are NOT tax deductible. We are NOT affiliated with any group or organization. We are simply parents who have had children in the NICU, and look to provide comfort through this project.

A Difficult Decision

2009-07-01T22:43:00.000-04:00

As most of my friends and family know, CHERUBS has been a huge part of my life for the past two years. There are a ton of wonderful people who I have met through CHERUBS, and for them I am forever grateful. They have helped me get through a very rough time in my life, I don't know how I would have gotten through it without them.

I wanted to let everyone know that due to personal reasons I have decided to leave CHERUBS. I will no longer be representing them in any form or way. All previous planned get-togethers and fundraisers in CHERUBS name are canceled. It was a difficult decision, but I feel that this is best for me and my family.

Because I am leaving CHERUBS as a representative, I have also stopped doing the gift bag project FOR CHERUBS. All donations previously made have been returned to the CHERUBS office to continue the project as they see fit. I WILL be starting a new gift bag project with a couple of wonderful moms, (and one amazing grandma) without any affiliation to a group or organization. For more information watch for an announcement coming very soon on:
Project Sweet Pea

I also want to let any and all CDH families to know that they can contact me anytime. I will still support any and all families in any way I can. You can contact me through:

facebook: http://www.facebook.com/corinnava
myspace: http://www.myspace.com/corin1118
Email: Chefrinny@gmail.com
Phone: 401-524-9182

More Cake

2009-06-28T20:10:00.001-04:00

Here are a couple other cakes I've made these last couple weeks. The first one was for a bridal shower, and I LOVE the way it came out :) The second was for a wedding last weekend. It was a simple cake with fresh gerber daisies.

Kim graduated!

2009-06-27T19:22:00.000-04:00

My good friend, Kim, finally graduated college! Yay, wooohoooo!!!!! She took the extended college road, so when making her cake for this weekends party, I tried to express it with sugar :) Each little piece on the cake all represented something in her life.

LOVE YOU KIM!!!! WE ARE SO HAPPY FOR YOU!!!

Weekend Adventures

2009-06-16T20:10:00.000-04:00

The last couple of weekends we spent taking mini vacations. First we went to Pennsylvania for a CHERUBS get together. We spent the weekend camping and enjoying the time with two wonderful families who have become close friends. Kate put together a great picnic on Saturday where we were met up with some other wonderful CDH families.

(CDH Mommies and survivors)

(Ayla playing with Lily and Gracie-twin siblings of CDH angel, Shannon)

This weekend we went to Cape Cod with Nate's family. The weather was a little colder than I had hoped for, but we did get some sun! Ayla had a great time playing in the sand and swimming.

Now back to reality....

The Big News.....

2009-06-03T16:25:00.000-04:00

I have been waiting to post about this until I was absolutely sure it was going to happen, although I'm think most already know :) I am very excited to announce that I am opening a cake decorating business! As of July 1st, Sweet Cravings, will be open for business! I graduated from my business class last night, and put a deposit down on a kitchen yesterday in West Kingston RI! I am so excited! I can't believe this actually happening :)

You can check out more about my business (I LOVE the sound of that!) on my website:

www.Sweet-Cravings.com

Check it out and let me know what you think!!!!

Some days I wonder

2009-05-26T21:20:00.000-04:00

"If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance."
-George Bernard Shaw

Pictures

2009-05-24T22:06:00.001-04:00

Life is pretty crazy right now. I'm working on a whole lot of stuff that I will update everyone on soon.... here's a couple of new pictures to hold everyone til then ;)

I made this cake for my nephews baptism today. I was happy with how it turned out.

Ayla playing

Ayla hanging out with family...these girls were the flower girls at our wedding! I can't believe how big they are now!

Ahhh summer :)

Daddy's girl

My beautiful Quilts :)

2009-05-16T17:41:00.000-04:00

These are the quilts I received for Mother's Day! Aren't they beautiful!!! :)

Happy Mother's Day

2009-05-10T22:24:00.000-04:00

Happy Mother's Day to all the mom's out there! I hope that every mom was shown the love they deserve today.

Today is still a bittersweet day for me, as I believe it always will be. I did enjoy spending the night with my beautiful family, but I guess I will always have the pain of loosing Gabe, which is multiplied on days like these. I know that today is a bittersweet one for many. Not just those who have lost a child, but also for those who have had miscarriages, those who want a baby and can't have one, and those who have lost a mom or significant woman in their lives. As you enjoy your day and honor the special women in your life, remember to say a little prayer, or do something nice for those who may find today a little tougher. For those of you who have suffered a loss: my thoughts are with you all.

I had to spend the majority of this weekend in a classroom :( I'm not sure why they thought it would be a good idea to hold it this weekend, but I had to attend a food safety class to apply for my food managers license. It was 8am-5pm both days! Nate took me out last night for dinner to celebrate Mother's Day and gave me two gorgeous quilts made with both my babies pictures on them! I will post a some pictures later! They are definitely one of the best gifts I've ever received! I also got a very beautiful little garden stone from my mother-in-law, and many cards and messages that I appreciate more than I could ever say! Even though I don't have both my babies here on earth, I still believe there is nothing better than being a mommy.

Exploring the outdoors

2009-05-01T21:16:00.000-04:00

A quote to share

2009-05-01T13:24:00.000-04:00

"My child, you are a miracle borrowed from another world. Like the breath inside of me, you will stay a part of me. Winds of change, love will bring us closer, far from tears, fears and dangers, my love will be there by your side. You taught me the love that I never knew. You made me realize the things that the world has let me forget. In you, I discover so much of life and the preciousness of love. You are the reason I have been kept on my knees and I could never thank you enough for giving me a reason to believe."

by Natalia Visagie

Day at the park

2009-04-19T22:00:00.000-04:00

Getting creative; who needs toys?!

Trying new things!

Having Fun!

We seem to be having these few gorgeous days sandwiched between colder ones. I've been taking Ayla outside on the warmer ones to let her test her new found walking skills. She has a hard time making her way over the rougher surfaces but loves trying! I think I have has much fun as she does....I love being a mommy ;)

One of those days

2009-04-16T13:45:00.000-04:00

I saw this today and thought it was appropriate for the mood I'm in....

Today's Agenda:

1. Get Up
2. Survive
3. Go To Bed

Happy Easter

2009-04-13T00:27:00.000-04:00

Happy Easter everyone! I hope everyone enjoyed the day :)

We went up to see my family in Massachusetts for an easter egg hunt which was a lot of fun. Ayla found a couple of eggs and was quite content with them. She tried her first bits of candy and LOVED it, of course what girl doesn't like chocolate?! We also were able to meet the newest addition to the family, Chloe (my cousin Jasons baby girl) who was absolutely adorable! It's crazy to see a whole new generation of babies together :)

On the way home we stopped and visited Gabe. I've been picking up a lot of little things to bring to his site, which is already overflowing with things. It makes me feel good to have it well decorated, especially for the holidays. I miss my little boy and wish he was here to celebrate the holidays with us. I can't believe this is our 3rd easter without him. It really doesn't ever get easier, I guess there are some wounds time can't heal.

Here are some pictures from the day:

I can't help it.....I just think she's so darn cute!

2009-04-01T22:20:00.000-04:00

One of the amazing things about kids is that they are extremely entertaining to just sit back and watch. Or at least Ayla is :)

This was amusing. She was singing to her socks, that she proudly removed from her feet, while sitting on her toy school bus... backwards and with the seat up so that her butt was in the storage compartment.

Ayla decided she wanted to talk to Daddy. The whole conversation consisted of her screaming
"DA DA DA DADADA DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!" and then throwing the phone. I guess Dada didn't talk back.

Beautiful Day

2009-03-31T23:09:00.000-04:00

I had been waiting for a day like today for awhile to finally bring Makayla outside! It was gorgeous so we took a little trip out to visit Gabe's site. I cleaned it up and added some easter decorations and Makayla ran around the fields. I was so happy to get out of the house! I am hoping we start to have a lot more days like today so we can spend more time enjoying the outdoors.

I OWN CONGENITAL DIAPHRAGMATIC HERNIA AWARENESS

2009-03-30T10:18:00.000-04:00

Disclaimer: This is not a happy post. This is a pissed off mom who needs to vent. If you don't want to read it, DON'T! Normally I don't bring any of this crap into my personal blog.... but since tomorrow has been marketed as Congenital Diaphragmatic Hernia Awareness Day, which should be something positive, something good.... but unfortunately it has gone terribly wrong-it pisses me off and I need to vent about it. Sooooo, I am just going to apologize in advance to anyone I may offend or upset. I know there are some amazing, wonderful CDH mommies who are supporting this day and the good it SHOULD represent, and I respect that-I really do. I just hate how tainted it has all become.

Background to those who may not understand:

I have a son who was born with CDH. It was undiagnosed until after he was born, although it probably should have been picked up on one of the many ultrasounds I had. Because it wasn't diagnosed prenatally we were not prepared. We had him at a small county hospital who was not prepared for him. We had no idea what to expect or the severity of this defect. My doctor gave me a bunch of misinformation about CDH and what caused it after he was born. My own DOCTOR, who was in charge of my babys care while I was pregnant, had no idea and very little actual knowledge about this defect that affects 1600 babies in the US EVERY YEAR.... We relied on the little bits of information we were given by doctors and nurses and started to have to make life altering decisions without any real knowledge of what the hell we were doing. We were forced on to a rollercoaster ride where all we could do was hold on and pray.... and in the end it crashed and we had to pull our baby boy off of life support.

2 years ago (shortly after Gabe passed away) I was actively involved in 2 CDH groups. I was depressed and hurt over loosing Gabe and wanted support and wanted to get to know others who had walked a similar path. I did not know any of the previous drama that had gone on before with the CDH community, and I didn't want to know.

One of the hot topics that is constantly discussed within the CDH community is how little is known about CDH....how few people know about it. If more AWARENESS was raised for CDH could benefit everyone affected by CDH, so that maybe someday better treatments and more information would be available to those who need it.

When one of the groups started to plan a CDH Awareness Day, I thought it was a great idea! What a wonderful day to unite our efforts to raise AWARENESS to the public. What an amazing outlet to use to work towards something I was so passionate about.... but I had no idea!

I had no idea how screwed up this day would become. I had no idea how counterproductive their campaign would turn out to be. So here is the irony of this Congenital Diaphragmatic Hernia AWARENESS Day.... It is an AWARENESS day (which by definition should mean that the entire purpose is to spread AWARENESS to all) that is open by invite only. No other groups or organizations may participate unless they report to and have permission from the president of Breath of Hope Inc. But the best part (said with tons of sarcasm) is that this AWARENESS day campaign is being used to TRADEMARK Congenital Diaphragmatic Hernia AWARENESS!!!!! Not just the day itself, but the phrase Congenital Diaphragmatic Hernia AWARENESS! This means that no other group, organization, or person may use this phrase without asking for permission. WTF???!!!!! How the hell does that further the goal of spreading CDH AWARENESS, if it is trademarked so that others may not use it?! I think the president of Breath of Hope has made it clear what her true motives are by doing this.... not to help CDH families but to hurt other groups that she does not personally get along with. This is sad. This is all very very pathetic, and sad.

I've got one more thing I would like to say before I end this pissed off post.....

I OWN CONGENITAL DIAPHRAGMATIC HERNIA AWARENESS! MY SON WHO DIED DUE TO THIS HORRIBLE DEFECT OWNS CONGENITAL DIAPHRAGMATIC HERNIA AWARENESS! MY DAUGHTER WHO WILL NEVER PLAY WITH HER BROTHER OWNS CONGENITAL DIAPHRAGMATIC HERNIA AWARENESS! MY HUSBAND WHO WILL NEVER WATCH A PATRIOTS GAME OR THROW A FOOTBALL TO HIS SON, OWNS CONGENITAL DIAPHRAGMATIC HERNIA AWARENESS! TO ALL THE PEOPLE WHO HAVE FOUGHT AGAINST THIS HORRIBLE DEFECT, WHOSE CHILDREN/GRANDCHILDREN/FRIENDS CHILDREN WHO HAVE DIED FROM CDH OR STILL FIGHT TO OVERCOME CDH..... WE ALL OWN CONGENITAL DIAPHRAGMATIC HERNIA AWARENESS. WE MAY NOT HAVE PAID TO TRADEMARK IT BUT WE PAID FOR IT IN BLOOD AND TEARS!

Pink and Purple Cake

2009-03-21T18:09:00.000-04:00

I made this cake for my business class last week. I wanted to have some fun with it and experiment with different techniques. The roses are a different style than I have made before. They are "Duff's Roses" (from Ace of Cakes) since he is the one who came up with the method. They aren't as realistic looking as making them the traditional way, but they are really fast to produce and I think they are pretty cute!

I took the main idea for this cake off one I saw online at cake central. It was very time consuming since I had to roll out each line individually, and was difficult to get consistent results. If I ever make another cake like this again, I think I need to invest in getting a clay gun! I probably could have done this cake in 1/4 of the time and had it come out a lot nicer! I was a little disappointed with it, as I ran out of time and wasn't able to put the finishing touches on it, but oh well, the class loved it :)

More experiment cakes coming soon!!!!

Dancing Monkeys

2009-03-17T23:56:00.001-04:00

Makayla received a new toy today. It was a little bear that danced, and she immediately fell in love with it! She LOVES to dance. Here are a couple little clips of her and her new bear :)

Makayla's walking!

2009-03-12T19:55:00.000-04:00

I figured it was a good time for another Makayla update :)

We had her 12 month check up yesterday (a couple weeks late) and it went very well. She weighed in at 22 lbs and 30 inches long, right around the 50-60th percentile in both. She gained 2 lbs and 1 inch since her 9 month check. They gave her shots (which always breaks my heart) and drew blood to do a few screenings which I'm waiting on the results for. They also decided to do a eye screening since Nate wears glasses and I had a lazy eye as a kid. it was difficult to keep her focused but after multiple attempts they were able to get her to do what they wanted and she passed :) All around a good appointment!

Last week Makayla started walking! She has been cruising around the furniture for awhile now, and would take 1 or 2 steps to get from one thing to another, but nothing more than that. March 5th (Nate and I's dating anniversary ;) ) I gave her her sippy cup while she was standing and she walked it over to the couch! I was so excited and she was so proud of herself. Every day she seems to gets braver. Today she was doing really good going from one end of the room to the other and back. Of course Nate and I made a big deal every time she did so she thought it was great!

Here's a little short video clip of her walking:

A small gesture...

2009-03-11T22:14:00.000-04:00

I don't talk about Gabe as much as I used to... time goes on, and as much as I hate it-life goes on. I've accepted that, and try to go with the flow of things. Keep up with life, try not to get stuck left behind. When you lose a child you really only have two options, and somehow I found the strength to keep going. I don't even think it was strength really, more like numbness that allowed me to keep functioning until I could start to live again. Anyway, as time has gone on, I have found that I don't mention him as much as I used to. It's not that I don't think of him every minute of everyday, and I still do a lot of charity work in his memory... but I guess I just keep more of him to myself. I'm not as open to telling strangers about him when they ask how many children I have... I just don't have the energy always to deal with the awkwardness that comes after.
The other day I saw someone I knew through work who I haven't seen in almost a year. We weren't ever close, but we would occasionally have some small talk in passing. In quickly catching up with her, she asked me how Ayla was doing and if I had pictures. I took out the wallets that I carry with me and started to show them to her. As I was flipping through them, one of Gabe was in there. She knew I had a son that passed away, but not much else. When I got to Gabe's picture, I quickly flipped it to the back of the pile knowing how uncomfortable it makes a lot of people and didn't want to make her feel awkward. She reached over to the pictures and pulled it back out to look at it and started asking questions and commenting on how much Ayla looked like him, how cute he was, etc... It made me feel so good to have someone I barely knew confidently and happily acknowledge Gabe as a part of my family. I doubt she even has any idea how much that small gesture meant to me.

Updates

2009-03-04T22:40:00.000-05:00

Wow, it's been awhile since I've posted! Life has been hectic as usual...

After Ayla's birthday I left for a mini vacation/CHERUBS get together in Indiana. I brought Ayla with me, and had a great time! I met up with 4 other CDH families and shared a lot of laughs, tears, and good times all around! I really wish we could do it more often.

Unfortunately after getting back home, Ayla got sick, passed it to me and I passed it to Nate who is still not feeling well. The last two weeks have been horrible! I can't wait for Spring to finally arrive! I just hope this is the last round of sickness in my house this winter.

Bakery update: Well...things didn't go the way I had hoped :( The bakery owner ended up having someone ready to sign the lease now, and I wasn't. Pretty much sums it up. It sucks, but I'm not giving up on opening a business soon. The whole experience has opened up some other doors, and given me a much better idea of what my next steps need to be. I will update more on this in the next week or so. The next month or so is going to be filled with meetings, appointments, classes, and a lot of work... but I will be ready next time a space opens up! I know it's going to work out, and finally feel like my dream is within reach. I've never thought I would feel so positive about loosing out on the bakery space, but I'm taking it as a learning experience and feeling pretty good about what I learned :)

That about sums it up for now. I've got a lot going on right now, but will try to update a little more often :)

Here are a couple of pics:

Indiana Get Together:
Ayla's birthday shoot:

Makayla's First Birthday

2009-02-15T22:13:00.001-05:00

Valentines Day?

2009-02-14T22:07:00.001-05:00

Happy Valentines Day all!

To me today wasn't about enjoying a nice night out with my hubby...oh no, it was about preparing for Ayla's birthday! And I loved every minute of it :)

This post was really just an excuse to share my pic of Ayla's birthday cake that I just finished :)

And here are some recent pics of Makayla:

Me: "Ayla, No! Don't hit the cat...."
Ayla points at the cat and gives me the look to which I know she is trying to figure out if it's worth ignoring me...

Ayla hits the cat

and laughs, giving that evil "I did something bad" look.

I'm still dreaming

2009-02-11T00:12:00.000-05:00

Well, I can't get that bakery out of my mind. I called my mom the other night for the number to the bakery and have been staring at it for a few days. Today I finally decided to make the call. I mean it couldn't hurt to check it out... right?! I talked to the bakery owner, who seems really nice, and I am going down to take a look at it and talk to him some more Thursday morning. I'm trying so hard not to get too excited about it, because it's still a long shot. A LOT of things would have to go right for this to be a possibility, but who knows! Maybe my luck is changing and this will work out. Ahhhh dreams. I will update after I meet with the guy Thursday morning!

Sweet Dreams...

2009-02-08T18:21:00.000-05:00

Cake is so much more than a dessert to me. It's the centerpiece at a wedding, the sweet finish after a good meal, the expression of a celebration. Cake is an edible piece of artwork. I spend hours researching new recipes, techniques, products, and ideas. Cake is more than dessert, it's my passion.

I have an opportunity that would bring me so close to my dream of opening my own cake shop I have done nothing but dream of cake these last few nights. There is a little bakery that closed down and is available to rent out. The rent is reasonable, and it's completely furnished with equipment and a store front. My mother spoke to the owner to find out how much he was asking for rent, and he wants to meet with me to show me the bakery. Unfortunately after thinking it over, I know that it is not something I can afford right now. Even though I am confident that I would be successful, realistically I can not expect to make a profit in the first year or two until I could get my reputation established... which would be ok, but with a small child in the house, I have no money to invest in this... and it's killing me! To be so close to my dream, and have to turn around and walk away... it sucks! I guess it's just not the right time, but it's hard to turn away especially because opportunities such as these do not come up on a regular basis.

Well, if nothing else, this experience has led me to come up with my cake shop name when I do finally open one up... Sweet Dreams Cakery, which for now will remain my dream.

Go Steelers

2009-01-31T21:38:00.000-05:00

I made this cake today for a superbowl party tomorrow. I LOVE the way this came out! The football is cake covered in homemade chocolate fondant. It was a little challenging, but i did it!!

Oh yeah-GO STEELERS!

Another Littlest Pet Shop Cake

2009-01-30T09:43:00.000-05:00

This is another LPS cake I made last night. The figures and accents are all done in fondant. The cake is yellow cake filled and iced in buttercream. I'm pretty happy with how it turned out :)

Sick again

2009-01-28T13:28:00.000-05:00

Ayla is sick....again! She finally got over the last cold she had, and barely a week later she's sick. Ugh. I know it's all about building up immunities right now, but I am so tired of cleaning up puke and trying to comfort a very grumpy little girl. I think once she starts feeling better I am going to take a night off and get out of this house! I'm going crazy here!

Other than that things are going pretty well. I've picked up more hours at work, which leaves me less time to do everything else, but at least the pay check is a bit bigger.

I'm starting to plan Ayla's first birthday! We are keeping it small since we are limited on funds, but it should be nice. I can't believe my baby is almost a year old already. Time really flies by. She is looking more and more like a little girl and less like a baby every day. She is standing by herself now and I think she will be taking her first steps very soon.

2 days after Ayla's birthday, she and I are flying out to Michigan to meet up with some friends of mine I met through CHERUBS. I am soooo excited to see them again, I can't wait! I've been counting down for weeks now. It's going to be interesting flying alone with Ayla. I hate flying alone to start with, and I know having a baby will make it harder, but it is going to be so worth it!

Well, thats about it for now. Life has been pretty boring since I am pretty much stuck in the house besides work until Ayla gets better. I can't wait for Spring!

Here are some recent pics of Ayla:

Littlest Pet Shop Birthday Cake

2009-01-18T22:27:00.000-05:00

Here is my latest cake creation! The birthday girl wanted those three specific littlest pet shop characters on her cake. I tried a new technique to copy the characters called a frozen buttercream transfer and I was really happy with the results! You trace or draw the characters in buttercream onto wax paper, freeze overnight, and than peel off onto the cake. It was so much easier than drawing directly onto the cake, and took the fear of making a mistake away :)

The cake itself was white almond sour cream cake with strawberry mousse (my favorite!). Thanks for looking :)

Happy Birthday Shannon

2009-01-16T12:19:00.000-05:00

I wanted to take a moment to ask you all to remember another beautiful angel. Shannon Elizabeth was also born with CDH, and sadly passed away. Her memorial website was the first one I came across in my search for other CDH families. Later on Shannon's mom, Kate, and I met through CHERUBS and became very good friends. I feel so blessed to have Kate in my life. Shannon has touched so many lives, and although I never had the opportunity to meet this beautiful angel, she will always have a special place in my heart.

Please light a candle in memory of Shannon, and keep her family in your prayers this week as they celebrate the life of this sweet angel.

Shannon Elizabeth (01/16/07-01/19/07)

An Angel with the book of life wrote down our baby's birth.
She whispered as she closed it,
"Too beautiful for Earth"

Gabriel's Second Angelversary

2009-01-12T22:06:00.001-05:00

Today was officially Gabe's second angelversary. Two years since we last held our baby boy and said our goodbyes. What a rough day. I can celebrate his birthdays even though they are very bittersweet. But how do I deal with the day I let me son die. Pretty badly as you can probably tell from this post. I think I dealt with it better last year. I thought it was supposed to get easier, but right now it seems to be getting much harder. I'm hoping that it's just the day, and after it passes I will start to feel a little better. I think that it's in part my faith. These last two years my faith has been shaky at best. I want to believe that Gabe is in heaven with all the other babies, watching over us, but I find it hard to understand what reason he was taken from me. I am praying for guidance, and signs from Gabe. I really need one right now.

I wanted to take a moment to thank all of my friends. I have received an amazing amount of messages from everywhere. Reading all the love and support have really gotten me through the day. Your words of love and prayers touch my heart and know that even if I don't respond to everything, it means the world to me.

I am off to go to bed. Tomorrow will be a better day.

Still sick

2009-01-08T15:18:00.000-05:00

Ugh. Ayla is still sick, the poor little girl. At least she's not throwing up anymore, which means we are heading in the right direction. She can't lay down comfortably so I have been the lucky one to hold her most of the night this week so she will rest. The one benefit to this cold is she is all she wants to do is cuddle... and of course rub her snotty nose all over my shirt-ewwwww! Really I brought this all on myself. Last week I was complaining that she never wants to cuddle or be held anymore... When will I learn to shut my mouth?! I'm just hoping she is better by the weekend since I have to work and leave her home with Nate (who seems to be getting sick now too).

On the brighter side of things, I am actively working towards my goals. I decided that this year WILL be a good one, and therefore I need to be proactive! I have joined a weight loss challenge at work. We are doing teams of 4, kind of a biggest loser type thing. I need to lose 20 lbs to reach my goal, although I am hoping to lose closer to 30. I have also started gathering the information I need to open up my cake business. I've been in contact with the health department to find out the steps I need to become licensed... it's going to be a lot of work, and I still need to find a place that will let me rent their kitchen space, but at least I'm starting the process.

I need a vacation....

2009-01-04T20:36:00.000-05:00

I am trying very hard to go into 2009 in a positive way, but it has been one thing after another leaving me with the question: am I cursed?

Last night Nate and I decided to go out for a few hours with a friend. We left Ayla with Nate's parents and received a call to come home as Ayla had gotten sick. I have to say that we have been very lucky with her, she has only been sick a couple of times, but I feel so bad when she is!

This morning I woke up early to go into work (I have been BEGGING my boss for hours). I got dressed and went to check on Ayla. After assuring myself that she was ok to leave, I attempted to go down stairs, and ended up tripping on a cat and falling down them... landing with a stair hitting the back of my neck. This afternoon since the pain was not getting any better, I went to the ER for x-rays. Luckily nothing was broken and it appears to be just bruised and strained muscles. I know it could be worse, but it still sucks! How am I supposed to take care of Ayla when I can't pick her up?! I am so frustrated with everything right now.

I know this is a whinny pathetic post, but tonight I am allowing myself to feel like poo. Tomorrow WILL be a better day....

Happy New Year

2009-01-01T22:15:00.000-05:00

I can't believe 2008 is over! This year flew by and I can definitely say we did A LOT!!! So it's that time again to make those lovely New Year Goals... which brings me back to last years:

Goals from 2008

1. Bring home a happy and HEALTHY baby girl to spoil

She got off to a bit of a rough start, but once she got going there was no turning back. She is definitely one happy, healthy, beautiful little girl! I think I accomplished this one!

2. Clean and organize my apartment... and keep it cleaned and organized

Ummmmmm....well I have been able to keep my new apartment clean, although not very organized and I'm still not completely unpacked. O well, I tried!

3. Get back into a healthy weight range after Makayla is born

Can I rollover my goals? OK, starting today I'm back on a diet!

4. Start the process to buy a house

. With the economy right now, I don't see this happening any time soon. But we moved into a wonderful little duplex which is a step up from our townhouse, so I guess we are moving in the right direction!

5. Start moving forward towards getting a business plan done and seriously looking into starting it

Wow, I really thought I was going to have a lot more spare time! I'm rolling over this goal too!

6. Continue to keep Gabe's memory alive and honor him by continuing my work for
CHERUBS

With the bowl-a-thon, truffle sale, gift bag project, and all the other projects we have worked on this year-I think this is one goal I know I achieved.

Alright so here it goes~My goals for 2009!

1. Lose weight.... I even joined a weight loss challenge group at work today
2. Start my business
3. Enjoy the year no matter what life throws at me

Thats it! I'm keeping it simple this year, just 3 goals. Goals that I believe that with a little motivation (and maybe a good kick in the butt) I can accomplish!

Wishing everyone a very Happy New Year!

Updates

2008-12-30T21:44:00.000-05:00

Merry Christmas!!! I know I'm a little behind posting that, but I'm trying to catch up! We have been really busy as it seems to be one thing after another.

Some updates:

Last week, a few days before Christmas, Nate's grandmother passed away. It was very unexpected and made the holidays a little tougher to get through. Please keep Nate's family in your thoughts and prayers.

Christmas went well for us. We started off the day quietly at home and made it up to my grandmothers in the afternoon for dinner. Ayla got tons of toys and clothes, and although she didn't really understand what was going on, she was happy and enjoyed the day.

Saturday we drove up to Buffalo NY to see the Patriots game on Sunday. I got 2 great seats 4 rows from the field for Nate's Christmas present. The game was very cold and windy, but a lot of fun! I have never been so close to the players before. It was amazing! Unfortunately (since nothing seems to go smoothly) we had some issues during our trip. Sunday morning it was pretty windy and our car was hit by shingles flying off the hotel roof. Apparently the roof was re-done a few months ago, but not done properly. It scraped up our car and damaged the windshield and now we have to try and get the hotel to pay for the damages. I am praying that they agree to a settlement and we don't have to hire a lawyer, but it looks like they may try to get out of paying for it.

With all this going on, and a lot more I don't have the energy to type out...we need some quiet time! It seems that 2008 is going out with a bang, but not in the way I had hoped. I am really hoping 2009 brings some better things.

Makayla's Video

2008-12-23T15:04:00.000-05:00

Here's a little video of Makayla cruising around the furniture,making faces. Don't mind the mess in the background of what is supposed to be my living room.... Ayla finds that the most fun can be had by taking everything off shelves and out of boxes and throwing them around the room. Ahhh, oh well....I give up :)

Digital Scrapbook

2008-12-22T14:32:00.000-05:00

I was recently introduced to the wonderful world of digital scrapbooking! I would never have the time, space, or patience for traditional scrapbooking.... but I really wanted to create something special for Gabe and Ayla. Right now I am working on finishing Gabe's and will soon start on Ayla's. I have done about 30+ pages of Gabe's and have another 20 or so planned out. I have uploaded them all to Gabriel's website, so if you are interested in seeing more check it out here:

Gabe's Scrapbook

For now I wanted to share a couple of pages. Hope you enjoy them!:

Blankets for CHERUBS

2008-12-19T13:16:00.000-05:00

As most of you know, we started the Gabriel's Gift Bags project with CHERUBS to provide new and expecting CDH parents with a gift bag filled with comfort items for their baby's NICU stay. One of the main things that we are including is a blanket. We would really like to include a handmade blanket which can be knit, crochet, or quilted. These blankets take a lot of time to make and we cannot do it by ourselves! There are too many parents out there who need these for us to keep up with, so we are looking for volunteers who would like to make small baby blankets to include in these bags. If you are interested, in doing 1 or 100, please let me know! You can email me at Chefrinny@gmail.com or join our yahoo group by clicking this link:

knittingforcherubs

If you can, please consider doing this, it can really make a difference for those families in need of a little comfort.

Makayla Pics

2008-12-17T13:26:00.000-05:00

Someone mentioned that I haven't been posting enough pictures of Makayla lately so here are some more:

Truffle Mania

2008-12-17T13:08:00.000-05:00

It's that time of year again...truffle time. Last year I decided to do a "small" fundraiser selling homemade boxes of truffles. I started in September and ended up selling them through the holidays. By the time I was done we had sold over 700 boxes (6 per box)! My house was covered in chocolate and I never wanted to see another truffle again. This year I decided to do it again, but more organized. We had a variety of flavors including Andes Mint, Orange Creamsicle, Chocolate Banana, Peanut Butter, Double Chocolate, Key Lime, Coconut, Chocolate Raspberry, and Mocha. We sold them in boxes of 6, 15, or 40. We did extremely well and sold over 2200 truffles, raising over $1000 for the Gabriel's Gift Bags project. I am very excited to have done so well and am extremely happy that we will be able to fill so many bags this year. I am also thanking god it is over! This year went so much smoother than last year, but it was still A LOT of work.

And for everyone who has asked- Yes I will be doing a truffle sale for Valentines day, but it will not be a CHERUBS fundraiser. You can email me at Chefrinny@gmail.com for more information.

Here are some pictures of the truffle mania:

My New Nephew

2008-12-16T20:28:00.000-05:00

Sunday night my sister-in-law had her third son, Joshua. We went up to see him last night and he was gorgeous! Seeing how little he was made me realize how fast Makayla is growing! It almost made me want to have another one right now.... and than I thought about how wonderful it is to not have to get up ever few hours for feedings. :)

Here's some pictures of the cute little guy.

National Children's Memorial Day

2008-12-14T21:01:00.000-05:00

Today is National Children's Memorial Day, a day to remember ALL chidren lost. Everyone is encouraged to light a candle for an hour at 7pm local time to keep a continuous wave of light around the world in memory of these children. Today as I think of Gabe, I think of all the other angels up there with him, watching over all of us here on earth.

Thanksgiving weekend

2008-12-01T21:17:00.000-05:00

Last weekend we took a trip up to New Hampshire to relax. It gave me a lot of time to think and reflect on what I have to be thankful for.

I am thankful for my daughter. She is truly amazing. I look at her each day and cannot believe that she is really mine. The love and pure joy that comes from her smile leaves me speechless.

I am thankful for my son. I am thankful for every moment I was able to share with him, and all the lessons he taught me in his short life. Because of him, I am a better friend, a better mother, a better person.

I am thankful for my husband. He has been there with me through these last 8 years, which hasn't always been easy, but with him I know we can make it through anything. He gives me strength and courage to go on, I couldn't imagine life without him.

I am thankful for my friends and family. I know I have so many wonderful people who surround me with love and happiness. I don't know what I did right to deserve all those who have touched my life, but I am very thankful for every one.

I am thankful for my health, my home, my animals, and all the small things I have in my life. When I take the time to reflect on all the positive things I have in my life, it makes all the negative not seem so overwhelming. I think I need to take more time to remind myself of the wonders in my life and spend less time worrying about the things I don't have.

Here are a few pictures from our New Hampshire get-away.

Turkey Dessert

2008-11-26T23:40:00.000-05:00

I saw this cake a while ago and wanted to try it out, so here is my version of a turkey cake!

Here is another fall themed cake I did last week for a 90th birthday:

Holiday Shopping

2008-11-25T11:45:00.000-05:00

I thought I would post this in hopes that some of you may take advantage of this easy way to shop and donate to CHERUBS at the same time! The best part is the donation doesn't cost you anything! If you are planning on doing some Christmas shopping online anyway, please consider doing this!

Donate to CHERUBS for free just by shopping in over 700 stores through goodshop.com!

If you shop on-line, please consider shopping through Goodsearch.com for CHERUBS.

Just go to http://www.goodshop.com/?charityid=856932

You can shop on Amazon, Target, Sears, Wal-Mart, ToysRUs, and over 700 other stores just like you normally would, but the stores will donate a percentage of your shopping total to CHERUBS. It does not cost you a penny. If you're going to shop on-line for the holidays, why not give to a great cause at the same time! :)

Bowl-A-Thon

2008-11-21T23:09:00.000-05:00

I've been meaning to post a quick update on how the bowl-a-thon went! This is what I posted on the New England CHERUBS Blog:

The Bowl-A-Thon fundraising event was a huge success! We had over 50 people in attendance, including 6 CHERUBS families and 3 beautiful cherubs themselves! We succeeded in beating our fundraising goal, but best of all were able to have fun and spread some CDH Awareness to the local bowlers. The staff were very interested in what we were raising money for, and asked us to come back next year to make it an annual event

A big thank you to all who participated and to all those who sponsored the event!

Makayla Update

2008-11-19T21:45:00.000-05:00

We brought Makayla up to see her pediatritian today for her 9 month check up. She weighed in at 20 lbs even, and 29 inches long! She is right on target coming in on the 75th percentile in height and 50th percentile for weight. Everything is progressing on target and she was given the ok to start fazing out the baby food and move on to table food! It's so scary, I feel like she is growing sooo fast!

Here's a couple of pictures from our Christmas card photo shoot :)

Gabriel's Birthday

2008-11-18T23:56:00.000-05:00

Happy Birthday my little angel. I miss you sooo much it hurts to breath, I still can't believe you would be 2 years old today. Instead of celebrating with cake and presents, I have to visit your stone and pray that you hear me. It is still so hard to go there, and I wish I went more often. I just can't even begin to describe the emotions that eat at my heart when I think about forever without you. My little baby angel, I would give up anything just to have one more day with you.

Baby why'd you leave me
Why'd you have to go?
I was counting on forever, now I'll never know
I can't even breathe
It's like I'm looking from a distance
Standing in the background
Everybody's saying, he's not coming home now
This can't be happening to me
This is just a dream
-Carrie Underwood

Gabe's birthday cake

2008-11-15T13:28:00.001-05:00

Today I am working on getting ready for the bowl-a-thon tomorrow. I just finished the cake and wanted to share it.

Here it is:

New England CHERUBS Blog

2008-11-14T01:02:00.000-05:00

I have created a blog to keep everyone updated on whats going on with CHERUBS locally. I am still working on putting it together but you can check it out at:

http://newenglandcherubs.wordpress.com

Eat Cake

2008-11-09T22:20:00.000-05:00

Today I made a baby shower cake for a close friends sister. I really enjoyed making it and everyone seemed to really like it at the shower. As I look around for a job since it is near impossible to be a stay at home mom in todays world... I keep thinking this is what I need to do! I know It's something I'm pretty good at, if I can just get my business going... So I have made it my mission! By the end of this year I plan on having my business plan written out. I need a game plan on what I am going to do with my life. I hate the insecurity of the unknown. This week I am going to call the health department and start figuring out what I need to do to become licensed in Rhode Island. Than will be the search for an industrial kitchen to rent until I can get my own shop going. This is something I really need to do for myself!

Here is the cake I made for the shower today. The design was a bit of each element taken off of different cakes and pulled together by the mother-to-be's sister and mom. It's nice to be able to make thier cake vision come to life :)

Nana

2008-11-07T22:58:00.001-05:00

Tonight I found out that my Nana (my great-grandmother) passed away. She hasn't been doing very well lately and having a lot of health problems, and I know she is in a better place where she isn't suffering. Still doesn't make losing her any easier though.

I have many very fond childhood memories of my Nana. She will be greatly missed. I brought Makayla up to meet her a few months ago, not realizing it would be the last time I got to see her.

Memorial service, gift bags, bowl-a-thon

2008-11-06T22:49:00.000-05:00

Last sunday we went up to Mass General's memorial service for all the children lost. It really was a beautiful, touching, and very emotional service. It is so difficult to go back to the hospital, but at the same time I find peace in doing so.

While we were there we dropped off our first 2 gift bags! I am very excited to be able to finally have some of these bags put together and ready to go out to give to parents who may need them! If you are wondering what I am talking about check out more info on the Gabriel's Giftbag Project here: http://gabriel-nava.virtual-memorials.com/main.php?action=view&mem_id=8297&page_no=6

Next weekend we have Gabriel's Bowl-A-Thon planned. I really hope that it will be a success. I can't believe Gabe would be 2 years old already. It's crazy to think about how time flies by! I really hope he knows how much I love him and still think about him everyday. I miss my little guardian angel.

Here are a couple pictures of the gift bags we delivered.

Halloween

2008-11-05T21:29:00.000-05:00

I think that I am going to start giving updates and posting Ayla's pictures here rather than on her website since I have run out of file space on her website and don't want to have to pay :( So here are a few Halloween pictures from last week.

Update

2008-09-30T22:31:00.000-04:00

Well, again I have been meaning to update my blog for awhile now, but time has gotten away from me. I don't even know where to begin.

My birthday was a great one this year. Although I did not enjoy turning 25, just seems closer to 30 than I'd like-lol. Anyway, we drove out to Ohio for a CHERUBS picnic weekend and has a GREAT time. I know it will be the last trip for awhile so we really made the best of it. We stopped in PA to see Kate (another CHERUBS member) who was prego with twins, and delivered them a few days after we left Nate is having me get a tattoo for my birthday of Ayla's feet, but I still have yet to actually get it done. Hopefully in the next couple of weeks.

We are moving!!! Very excited about it. We found a great little duplex in Hope Valley. It's sooo much bigger than the place we have here and its in RI so it will be closer to family. I can't wait to get in there. Of course now comes the tedious chore of packing and cleaning for the next few weeks. This also means I have to find a new job. I'm going to start looking for a waitressing position for awhile until I figure out what my next step career wise will be.

Makayla is almost 8 months old and is doing wonderfully. She is reaching tons of milestones and is getting ready to crawl. I think it will be any day now.... I've started looking for a Halloween costume for her. There are so many cute ones out there it's hard to choose!

Gabe's birthday is fast approaching. It's hard to imagine he would be 2 years old. We are planning a Bowl-A-Thon on November 16th in his memory. I NEED to plan something to keep busy and keep the day positive. I'm really hoping it will be a success. Invitations will go out next week. Everyone is invited and welcome to participate so if you don't receive an invitation but would like to join us, please let me know!

Well, I guess thats enough rambling for now. I will try to update again soon!

Your Baby is 21 Months Old-Ugh!

2008-08-10T22:30:00.000-04:00

Yup-he would have been. But he died....so instead he will forever be 2 months old.

Today was just one of those rough days that pop up every now and then. At least they are a lot less frequent. It started with a dream: I had two beautiful kids. One little girl and one little boy. The little boy was about two, was running around and had a mouth full of teeth. I looked at him and realized that I didn't remember him getting that big-or having any teeth. I asked him when he had grown...and he replied that I had missed it all b/c I was paying all my attention to Ayla.

Well, I think that's a pretty easy dream to interpret. I feel that nagging guilt that I am moving on with my life. No big revelation-it just sucks.

Then I got the mail, and right on top was a pampers flyer for pull ups that read: Your baby is 21 months old! Most days I could just toss it aside... but today it felt like a slap in the face. Ugh-yep, just one of those days.

Busy summer, almost over

2008-08-07T22:30:00.000-04:00

This summer so far has been so busy! Looking back at the last time I wrote here, so much has gone on since.

We had Makayla baptized a few weeks ago. The baptism went well, Makayla was great! She looked like a doll all dressed up in her gown and bonnet. We had a lot more people show up to the after party than we expected, but it was great! It was so nice to have most of our family and a few friends there to celebrate with us. It was a beautiful (although a little hot) day.

We went to Raleigh, North Carolina for the CHERUBS conference-which was amazing! I really enjoyed meeting and spending time with some of the members I have been talking to the last 1 1/2 years. The whole weekend was great. The Angel Ball was beautiful-so romantic, the conference was very informative with some truly amazing speakers, the rest of the time we spent getting to know everyone and having fun. I don't think I have had that much fun in a long time.

Nate and I celebrated our 4 year wedding anniversary July 31st. We actually didn't do much the day of since it was a work day for Nate, but we celebrated early with another couple, Jay and Brianna, and had a great time. They cooked us dinner and we went out to a late night comedy show. It was great to have a night away from baby-although I couldn't stop thinking about her the entire time

This summer has been a whirlwind and I can't believe it's almost over! I haven't even made it to the beach once this year or gone camping with Nate like we had hoped. Makayla is almost 6 months old...I sure wish time would slow down!

So much to do, so little time

2008-06-29T22:29:00.000-04:00

I haven't written in a bit, not for lack of things to write, but lack of time. We have been keeping busy. This month we have traveled to PA for a CHERUBS camping trip, went to Cape Cod for Fathers Day with Nate's family, and visited Boston to meet up with some local CHERUBS members for a zoo trip. Life has been busy, but good.

Makayla is doing great! At her last appointment she measured in at 26 1/4" tall and 14 lbs 12 oz! She is in the 98th percentile in height. She continues to amaze us everyday. There is nothing better in life than walking into her nursery first thing in the morning and seeing her break out into a giant toothless smile as she grabs her feet and babbles. Today we went out and got her a jumper entertainment station-which she loves! It is so cute to watch her excitement at all the new toys.

We have a date set for her baptism. It will be the second sunday in July, so we have yet another event to plan! I look forward to it!

I have been thinking about getting another tattoo for my birthday and think I have decided on what I am getting! I want to get Ayla's footprints above Gabe's on my leg, and underneath Gabe's footprints around my ankle I am going to get an "anklet" type tattoo which will come out onto my foot and have an awareness ribbon on the end. I know most people think I'm nuts with my tattoos, but I think this will be the perfect way to finish off under Gabe's feet.

Well, there is so much more going on right now, but I don't have the time to type it all. Hopefully I will be able to update again soon!

Quick Update

2008-05-30T22:28:00.000-04:00

It's been a little while since I've updated here. Life has been hectic but I am trying to enjoy the little moments.

Work is going well. It's hard getting up so early, but I love being out before the day really gets started. Being home with Makayla during the day is so rewarding.

Makayla is doing great. We continue to see improvement in her arm. She has started to hold things and is even starting to be able to put her binky back in her mouth on occasion She smiles constantly and can brighten my day in an instant with that beautiful toothless grin of hers. We have our daily "talks" as she is becoming more animated every day. She coos and mumbles and I think I have even heard a laugh or two! I love to watch her as her personality emerges.

My MIL and I have started a new project with CHERUBS. Gabriel's Gift is a project we have started to provide new and expectant parents of CDH babies with a tote bag filled with things they may need in the NICU. We are working very hard to get donations to put these together and hope to be able to start sending some out by the end of the summer. For more information on Gabriel's Gifts check out Gabe's website at: http://www.gabriel-nava.virtual-memorials.com/main.php?action=view&mem_id=8297&page_no=6

Happy Mothers Day

2008-05-11T22:28:00.000-04:00

Well, today was definitely an easier day to go through than it was last year. Makayla being here makes me feel like a mom, finally. The day was still very bittersweet, not having both my children here with me makes me feel empty and reminds me that I have a huge piece missing. But Makayla reminds me of how much I have to be thankful for. I am thankful to have her to give all my love and attention, and I am also so thankful to have had my time with Gabe too. I love being a mother. It gives meaning to my life. I hope both my angels know how much I love them.

Nate made me such a sweet, beautiful card! I couldn't believe how cute and caring he was. It has pictures of *all* my babies in it-animals included It reminded me of how lucky I am to have such a wonderful guy!

I also got my mothers day present in the mail! I ordered a pair of "dog tag" pendants with copies of Makayla and Gabe's feet on one side and their names, bdates, times, and weights engraved on the back. Now they can both stay next to my heart always

Hoping everyone had a wonderful Mothers Day!

Life Marches On

2008-05-06T22:27:00.000-04:00

Things are going well. We are starting to settle into a schedule and work is going smoothly so far. Makayla has started sleeping through the night! We put her in her crib last night for the first time, which I think was more difficult on me than it was on her. I am so used to having her sleep in the cradle next to me... I hated not being able to just reach over to check on her. I'm sure I will get used to it, but right now even though she is only in the next room over I feel like she is a world away. I never thought I would be one of those "paranoid, crazy" moms, but life has changed me this last year and a half.

Makayla's physical therapy is also going very well. Her arm is improving drastically and its so nice to see her moving it around and reaching for things with it. She still has a long way to go, but her progress so far is amazing!

This summer is getting booked very quickly. We have so many plans for June and July I can't wait! I am going on 3 CHERUBS events: a camping trip in PA, a zoo trip in Boston, and the CHERUBS conference weekend in NC! I am so excited to meet the people that I have been talking to over this last year! We also plan on getting Makayla baptized in July! So many things to do and plan, this summer is going to be a great one!

Back to work

2008-04-21T22:27:00.000-04:00

This week has been a busy one. I started back to work part time. Its nice to get out of the house a bit, but its tough getting on a new schedule. I will be working early mornings so that I can be back in time for Nate to go in to work. Not happy about having to get up at 3 am, but at least I am out before the day even begins.

We went to see some family this week which was nice. Makayla got to meet more of her relatives and luckily it was a warm beautiful day so we were able to enjoy the time outdoors! I can't wait to be able to do that more often!

55 Days-Grief lasts a lifetime

2008-04-04T22:11:00.000-04:00

Most of the time I feel like I am dealing with everything so well. And then every once in a while it all comes flooding back and I feel like I am right there on the brink of that dark void again. I guess sometimes I forget that I am still grieving, and I need to let myself do it before it feels like this. Those stages of grief I read about-I figured once they were over they would be over, but its so not true. They just seem revolving-in no specific pattern or order-just this time around they are a little less intense.

What am I babbling about? Well, right now I just feel like I am getting sucked down a bit and I need to vent to let some of it out. These last few days I have started feeling everything again with some intensity. The nightmares have returned, I wake up crying. I have been crying at the most random times during the day, and there is nothing I can do about it. I am angry and hurt and lost and I feel such guilt all over again. I finally think I figured out where it is all coming from:

55 days... thats how long I got to spend with my beautiful, perfect, little boy. 55 days-thats it. I know its more than a lot of people, but I feel ripped off. I should have spent the rest of my life with him. 55 days and the whole time I was wishing it to go by faster b/c I truly thought I would bring him home, so instead of treasuring every little moment I prayed for it to be over. Now I have this beautiful baby girl-who is my world- and who is already hitting those little milestones that Gabe never really reached, and on April 10th she will be 55 days old. It just reminds me how little time I really spent with my boy. I sit and I hold her and I cry...I cry for my son who never really got to live, I cry for my husband who was never able to watch that Patriots game with his boy the way he wanted to, I cry for my daughter who will never meet her brother, and I cry for myself b/c I want him back sooo bad.

Than there is the anger. I am so angry at everything again. I don't understand why he couldn't be a survivor. I try to tell myself its so I could help others, but I could have helped others with him here to. He was supposed to be my miracle baby, I was ready to devote my life to him. There is so many of the what ifs left in my head. And with those what ifs comes the guilt. What if I hadn't worked as hard in the beginning of the pregnancy, what if I didn't have that drink, what if those selfish a******* hadn't robbed me and put the gun to my head-I still have nightmares about that and then I dealt with all that post-stress and anxiety during the pregnancy, what if I had miscarried instead of praying for him to hold on. I lied-I told him that if he just held on inside of me that everything would be ok, and I would take care of him. What if I had insisted on another ultrasound when I felt that things weren't right... what if I had done more research and had asked to be transfered to Childrens Boston-would he have received better treatments? What if I hadn't decided to let him go...would there have been a miracle? Was it the right thing to do? I feel like I was so niave to everything, I don't know if it was the right thing or if it was what I felt the nurses felt I should do. I feel like I didn't give him a chance to even fight it b/c he was on a paralytic at the time. Maybe he could have rebounded... maybe. I try and remind myself that it was a decision I KNEW was right at the time. I felt it as soon as I walked in his room that night. I KNEW we had tried everything we could and he was telling me he couldn't fight any longer. I know all that-but I still feel guilt. I wish I would have waited until morning and then asked his surgeon-the one I trusted-the one who was willing to fight for Gabe and try everything in his power. He told me that I had made the right decision the next morning...but I just don't know. Why should a mother ever be forced to make that decision. 55 days was not long enough! I think one of the worst parts of all this is that I had a shaky faith going into this pregnancy, and now its even worse. I feel like god may have been punishing me for not fully believing, and sometime I feel like there is no god at all. I have prayed and prayed for something to restore my faith, for a sign that there is a heaven and my boy is in it. To know, really know and not just say b/c it will make me feel better, that I will one day see my son again would make all the difference in the world-and yet I can't seem to get to that point. I am begging and pleading with God to help me know that.

So there it is-all of it. All of my weaknesses, fears, and guilt... for anyone to see. I don't know if this makes me weak...I feel kind of naked laying it all out there. I wish it would all go away.

GoodSearch video contest

2008-03-27T22:26:00.000-04:00

GoodSearch.com, which is a search engine which donates money to a charity of your choice for each search you make, is hosting a contest: Who Do You GoodSearch For? The winner gets their video featured on the homepage and $100 to the charity featured.

Feel free to check out my video!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9K8LxhRYsb8

Happy Easter

2008-03-23T22:11:00.000-04:00

Happy Easter! Today was a nice day. Nate and I went out with friends last night and left Makayla with my mom. It was the first time we had left her with someone else for more than a hour and it was a little difficult. I know how lucky I am to have her and I don't want to let her out of my sight.

Well we are now going through the second set of holidays without Gabe and its a bit depressing. I think of what he would be doing and wonder what he would look like right now. I think about all the things I want to buy for him but can't. All the holiday traditions I want to share with him. I can't pretend the holidays aren't going on anymore, I have to learn to celebrate them without him. Our perfect little family forever missing one.

Keeping Busy

2008-03-09T22:10:00.000-04:00

We have continued to keep busy visiting with family and friends and showing off our little princess. This week we took Makayla to get her pictures taken. It took a lot of time and effort, she was a bit fussy, but in the end they captured some great moments-I can't wait to get them back! We picked up our birth announcements today and will start sending them out this week-one more thing to do on our ever growing list!

Today we took a trip up to Boston to visit with some of the nurses that took care of Gabe at Mass General Hospital. We brought up the CHERUBS information packets so that they can start giving them to parents. We brought Makayla and as always she was the center of attention

Life is good, and I know how lucky I am to have my beautiful daughter, but I miss my boy more now than ever. I can't help but feel our family will never be complete with him gone. All the great family pictures we had taken- they are all missing him... I know he is watching over his little sister, but I want him here with us. There will always be something missing-and I hate it. I hate that Makayla will never really know her big brother. Looking at her I can see a resemblance in her eyes and it makes me think of all the things missed. All the things so many take for granted. If I learned anything from Gabe its to treasure every day I have with Makayla, every little moment.

Mommy loves you and misses you Gabe!

Nothing better than being a mommy! Finally!!!

2008-02-27T22:09:00.000-05:00

Nothing Better Than Being A Mommy-FINALLY!

It has been almost 2 weeks, time is flying by! We have changed a couple hundred diapers- had many sleepless nights, and have found out we know nothing about being parents-but we are learning and I love every part of being a mommy.

When Nate and I were first married we decided to weigh the pros and cons of having children. It was something we had always talked about doing someday-but we thought that we should make sure it was what we wanted. There were so many reasons not to have children-travel, careers, money... but in the end we both knew we wanted a family. Well it has not been an easy road to travel, we have had a lot of pain, heartache, and fear to deal with. But here we are now with a beautiful baby girl in our arms, and her angel brother watching over us. I know we made the right decision, life could never be complete without our babies, and they have taught me so much already. Nothing in our lives worth while comes easy, but we can appreciate it all so much more.

So all is well in our little house right now. Makayla is doing very well-keeping us busy and teaching us new things every day.

Makayla's Here

2008-02-17T22:09:00.000-05:00

Makayla is Here!

Thanks everyone for all the thoughts and prayers! I wanted to give a quick update on how things went-but I am pretty tired so hopefully this makes sense.

Makayla was born Friday Feb 15th at 5:34 pm weighing in at 10 lbs 4 oz and 22 inches long!!! It was not the easy labor and delivery we had hoped for-she gave us quite a scare at first, but thankfully she is home and doing well!

We went in on Friday to be induced at 7am, I was already having contractions and was dilated 3 cm. They started pitocin and things slowly progressed. At about 1pm my doctor broke my water which set me into active labor. I was unable to get the epidural I had wanted b/c my platelets dropped extremely low and they were afraid of clotting issues. It was not an easy labor but by 5pm I was ready to start pushing. I pushed for a short time but due to her size and the fact that her heart rate was dropping during contractions they had to use suction to get her head out. Once her head was out we could tell she was larger than anyone had expected! Her shoulders got stuck and and with every contraction her heart rate was still dropping. They called in the NICU team and after some manipulation we finally got her out! Immediately they started working on her-but she was limp and refusing to breath on her own. It was one of the scariest moments of my life! They intubated her and brought her to the NICU. Luckily she rebounded from all the stress very quickly and they were able to extubate her after only about an hour! They kept her in the NICU for the remainder of the hospital stay to keep an eye on her, but she has done amazing. Makayla was discharged with us today-after only a two day stay. She has a small problem with her right shoulder b/c of the stress and manipulation during the delivery-they told us she has a 90% chance of regaining full movement-but may need PT- they are giving her a little time to see if she starts moving it on her own. She also was a little jaundice-so we need to get that checked again tomorrow, but hopefully that will also resolve itself. Overall she is a VERY long and large HEALTHY baby girl!

I have a website with some pictures if you want to check them out:

http://www.totsites.com/tot/makaylanava

37 Weeks 1 Day

2008-02-01T22:08:00.000-05:00

Well its February! The month I will meet my little girl. Last weekend we took a mini vacation to New Hampshire, which was nice and relaxing. We didn't do much of anything but enjoy being away. It's nice to know that the next time we go up there Makayla will be coming too! This week I have started to get things in order for her arrival-finally! We started working on the nursery and cleaning it out, we got the carseat put in, and the cradle in our bedroom. There is still a lot to be done, but at least we are moving in the right direction. Going through the nursery was difficult, brought back a lot of memories, but it wasn't quite as bad as I had anticipated. I guess I am learning to live with the grief a little bit more every day

36 Week Ultrasound

2008-01-27T22:08:00.000-05:00

I went in for my last ultrasound on Thursday and everything checked out perfect. She was very active and I got to see her moving around, sucking her thumb, biting her lip, even blinking! It was the most amazing ultrasound, I could see everything and she really looked like a baby! She has some beautiful chubby cheeks Smile They showed me her diaphragm and all of organs doing what they should. You could even see her lungs practicing breathing. After all the measurements they estimated her weight at 7 lbs 7 oz-yikes! She is going to be one chubby baby! I am hoping that I go into labor soon so I don't push out a 9 lb baby Smile She is ready and cleared for delivery anytime after this week-so I am hoping she decides to make her arrival soon.

Getting Nervous

2008-01-21T22:07:00.000-05:00

Today I am 35 weeks 4 days pregnant, and I think it is finally starting to catch up with me. People keep asking me "are you getting excited yet?". The weird thing is I'm not... I'm scared to death. I just want to skip the next few weeks and have a baby in my arms. I am still putting off preparing for her arrival, I'm not sure why. The nursery still sits as it has this last year-a mess. I still haven't packed my bags or found a pediatrician. I feel like this makes me a bad mom-almost like I am still preparing for the worst. It is so hard to get excited-it's all fear.

I feel her move around a lot-and it makes me so happy. She is getting so big, I treasure every kick and move. I have heard that it can be difficult to bond with your unborn baby after a loss, but thats not the case. I love Makayla more than anything. I can tell she already has personality, I know she is going to be beautiful.

Well, I have my last level 2 ultrasound on Thursday. One more final check and peek at her before she makes her big arrival. We are truly in the homestretch-almost there.

Our Last Day With Gabe

2008-01-11T22:06:00.000-05:00

A year ago today... some times it feels like it was a life time ago, other days it feels like it was yesterday. My last day with Gabe, even though tomorrow will be the anniversary of his angel day, today was really the last day. I have re-lived the day a thousand times in my dreams-of course that day was more like a nightmare. We were clutching on the smallest bit of hope we had left, feeling the desperation of it all slipping away. Slowly accepting the final reality of it all, and what we had to do. Praying to god to make it all better, unanswered prayers. I know I should just trust that what happened was for a reason, but it is so hard to believe that any child, especially my child, would die for a reason. Maybe I am selfish, but I needed him here with me, I still need him.

No one should have to go through what we went through. No one should have to make that call with their child. Even though we know we did the right thing, the only thing left to do, I am crushed with guilt everyday. Maybe because at the time a part of me felt relief at making the decision, having it all over with, no more unknowns. I just wanted it all to be over with, I didn't want to watch my baby suffer anymore.

So a year has passed. A whole long year. They told me the first year was the hardest, so I am hoping things start to get easier. I have come to a lot of realizations and learned a lot about grief, but it still doesn't make it any better.

Happy New Years

2008-01-01T22:06:00.000-05:00

Happy New Years! Well another year has passed, and I can't believe how quickly it went by. It was definitely a hard year, and I have so many hopes that 2008 will be better.

We decided to have a quiet New Years, and stayed home. It seems I have been re-living a lot of memories from last year at this time and New Years has been the worst. Last year it had also been filled with so much hope... I remember repeating over and over, well it has to be better than 2006-things are going to get better. I had no idea how wrong I was. Gabe was looking so much better on New Years than he ever had, Nate held him for the first time, we got his foot prints for the first time. It had been such an amazing and special day-I just want that day back again. Uggghhh... unfortunately I can't have that day back, and I know I must move forward. It just seems like moving forward is leaving Gabe behind.

I am determined to make 2008 a positive year. I have many goals for this year:

1. Bring home a happy and HEALTHY baby girl to spoil
2. Clean and organize my apartment... and keep it cleaned and organized
3. Get back into a healthy weight range after Makayla is born
4. Start the process to buy a house
5. Start moving forward towards getting a business plan done and seriously looking into starting it
6. Continue to keep Gabe's memory alive and honor him by continuing my work for CHERUBS

Merry Christmas

2007-12-25T22:05:00.000-05:00

Merry Christmas everyone! I hope everyone had a wonderful Christmas day. We spent Christmas eve with Nate's family at his Aunts house which is always nice. We visited Nate's sister and her boys Christmas morning and my family for dinner. We stopped by the cemetery to visit Gabe on the way home. The whole day was very bittersweet. It was wonderful to visit family and show off my growing HUGE tummy... but Gabe was greatly missed. I wish he was here to spoil, here to love, here to hold. Honestly, I am glad the holidays are over. Too much pain and loss this year-looking forward to 2008 and all the good it will bring.

Pregnancy Update

2007-12-14T22:04:00.000-05:00

Another quick doctor's appointment today. I saw the midwife instead of the doctor and she predicted that it was a boy based on the heart beat... Hmmmm maybe she should have looked at my chart b/c she is definitely a girl . The last ultrasound left no question as to that. The one thing I don't like about the midwife is she never looks at the chart before seeing me, so she has NO IDEA who I am or my history. Its very frustrating to have to explain everything to her again as if it were my first appointment. Luckily I have been seeing the doctor for 90% of my visits and he knows who I am. Anyway, everything looked fine-my blood pressure was a little high at first, but they retook it before I left and it was normal. I gained a ton of weight this month-almost doubling what I had gained so far. But I can't say I am surprised, lately I want to stuff myself with everything in sight-and with all the holiday goodies around it is just way to easy. As long as I don't continue to put on as much as I did this month I will still be on target. I go in on Tuesday for another ultrasound to check everything again-I'm hoping to get some more great pictures! I can't wait for these holidays to be over and February to be here!

4am

2007-11-29T22:03:00.000-05:00

Well it is 4 am and I have 2 1/2 more hours that I could be sleeping, but nope I am "wide awake". Grrrr, this is what makes the third trimester so difficult-and I am barely in it! I have a very active baby kicking like crazy inside of me, my leg won't stop cramping, I can't get comfortable, my back aches, and I am having the strangest dreams! So here I am in the wee hours of the morning trying to stay busy. Well, I guess its my bodies way of getting me ready for the sleepless nights to come when Makayla makes her big arrival. Oh, I can't wait. I know I really shouldn't be complaining, I would give up far more for my baby, but Nate is snoring away fast asleep.

We are trying to reorganize our apartment to have room for all the baby stuff we had stashed away-what a project this has turned into. I want to have the house all ready soon, but there is so much still to do. The nursery is a wreck since we shut it off after Gabe passed. The only time I have been in it since has been to throw some boxes in for storage. We have to completely take apart everything, clean it, and put it all back together. We finally opened up the door, and have been keeping it open, which I guess is the first step, but every time I look in there I start thinking.... When we got this apartment that wasn't "the nursery" it was "Gabe's Room"! Everything in it was put there while thinking about Gabe. It's hard to think that it's not Gabe's Room anymore. I just feel so weird about it all. I almost feel like setting it up for Makayla would be betraying Gabe. I know thats crazy, but it's a feeling I can't shake. I had really hoped to move into a new place before she came so we could start fresh, but unfortunately that isn't an option and we had to sign another years lease. I know I am going to have to get over all this and just go in there and do it... but I just don't know how.

I QUIT

2007-11-24T22:02:00.000-05:00

Thanksgiving came and went, it was a "good" day but was very difficult thinking about how Gabe was missing from everything. We went to dinner at Nate's parents house and went to the cemetery to visit Gabe. I haven't been their in months-it's just too hard sometimes to stare at his stone. It just makes it all so final. These holidays are not easy-just trying to make it through these next few months.

Work has been pretty stressful. I ended up going in after Gabe's birthday party and doing an overnight, even though I had originally told them I needed that time off. I worked 3 overnights leading up to Thanksgiving to make sure all the desserts were done. The day after Thanksgiving I went in to prepare for the weekend to find out that my manager had gone on vacation and not scheduled anyone for Saturday-my day off. I ended up working 11 hours on friday and they still wanted me to come in today. We are very shorthanded and all the pressure is on me to get everything done. I had demoted myself months ago so that I would not have to deal with all the stress, but instead I am being paid less but expected to do the same amount of work. I decided I couldn't do it anymore and put in my 2 weeks notice yesterday. Ugghh, I had really counted on not going on maternity leave for another 2 months since we can't afford to have only Nate working right now, but I'm sure I will figure something out. I know I need to put my health and Makayla first right now, and being on my feet for all these hours, doing the work of 3 people is wearing me out. Hopefully I can find something to do to bring in some extra income for awhile until I can figure out something more permanent. Well, I guess now I will have a lot more time to clean my house.

Makayla Ultrasound

2007-11-21T22:02:00.000-05:00

We went in yesterday for yet another level 2 ultrasound, and again everything looked great! She was very active during the whole thing and decided to give us quite a few wonderful pics. Again, they pointed out her long feet and super long toes .No big surprise there, Gabe had long feet and toes, and so do their mommy and daddy! We got a great shot of her diaphragm, and all her organs working properly and in their place. We watched her practice swallowing and she played with her face and stuck her tongue out at us. We even got a really good shot of her sucking her thumb. It was so wonderful seeing her a little more clearly! She weighs in at about 2 lbs 2 oz which is perfect for her age right now.

So another month has passed and another good ultrasound! I can't wait for the next one.