This has been a crazy month. I have been kept very busy at work, and most of my free time I spend obsessing over my current pregnancy. We went in again for a check-up on the 19th and this little baby has decided it will be difficult from the beginning. The midwife tried to get the heartbeat on the fetal doppler and once again couldn't. It sent me into such a panic.I stayed calm on the outside, but inside I was freaking out. She brought me in for an ultrasound and the baby was there doing flips and turns, heart beating beautifully! We got a couple of great pics where we can see a profile, arms, legs, it was very exciting. I guess even though the baby almost gave me another heart attack, it was worth it to get the extra peak at him/her. They took me off the progesterone, and so far all is going well. I bought a home fetal doppler to listen to the heartbeat, but still can only find it for a short time here and there. I am sure it will become easier as the baby gets bigger, and will help to give me peace of mind. I go in again on the 5th for a quick check up before we go on vacation and then the big appointments come when we get back in the middle to end of september.
This weekend was my birthday which we spent quietly. Thanks to all that called and emailed, I know I haven't responded to everyone yet but I really did appreciate all the love!
Yesterday was a rough day for me. As crazy as this sounds a shipment of Halloween cookies has sent me hopelessly into a funk. At work, we started getting in all the fall decorations which has sent me into a slightly foul mood, and I couldn't figure out why until the cookies came. I was standing there looking at them and started to get really angry. I started complaining that it was way too early to be doing Halloween cookies when it was still August! Then I started thinking about how Halloween meant October and then comes November and it just can't be almost a year yet! What am I supposed to do?! Do I 'celebrate' or hide? I just don't think I am ready for it. The more time passes the further I feel away from my son, its the most awful feeling and I can't describe or explain it. The realization that so much time has passed was really a huge shock and has sent me down a bit, but I am trying pull myself out of it. Now I am trying to plan something for my angels first birthday while attempting to not go completely off the deep end, and start thinking/planning for a new baby. I don't think I have ever felt such a mixture of emotions at once. I just want to crawl into a hole for a few days, but since that isn't possible I guess I will just keep going through the motions until things level out again.
I guess that is about it for now...just a little glimpse of my crazy world.
