Happy Easter! I thought about doing something, making an easter basket or something to that affect. But I feel so weird doing things like that. One of the hardest things is not knowing what the best way to handle things are. It just isn't something you can ever prepare for.
I went to Virginia this weekend on a mini vacation with some friends and everything seemed to remind me of Gabe. You never realize how many babies are around until you loose your own. I either want to run and hide when I see one, or I just stare wondering if he/she is the same age as Gabe would be. I try not to stare because I often get the strangest looks from the parents. I think its because of the expression on my face, I'm sure it's not the normal 'ooohhh cute baby' look. It's more of a longing sad look. I think I make the parents nervous. I guess it's a good thing most of the time I just shy away.
This weekend was a nice getaway, but it was very bittersweet. I just kept thinking 'if I had my baby there would be no way I would be doing this right now'. I think about how different my life would be right now with an infant to take care of. Sometimes I try to convince myself that I am doing things I couldn't do if I had an infant to take care of, and put a positive spin on it. Like I'm not tied down and can still go out on a whim, have a few drinks with friends, minimal responsibility. But, I guess you can't lie to yourself. It never feels like a good thing no matter how hard I try to tell myself it could be. I was ready for the responsibility, the craziness. I was ready to move to the next stage in my life, so instead of feeling liberated I just feel cheated and stuck in a time frame I was done with. I'm not sure if I am making any sense, but I guess feelings often don't. I read that part of grieving is feeling as if you have gone crazy, and I can defiantly agree to that one.
Am I mourning the right way?
You know, I've never been the mother of a dead child.
So what are the rules?
Can I still laugh, smile? Should I still feel so dead inside?
Do I cry too much? Do I cry enough?
What is the proper tone of voice?
I feel like I am on display, everyone is staring and talking about me.
I feel like screaming "Well, am I doing it right?!"
-Sue Wolter
